Weather Channel Forced To Report On NBA Free Agency

In what would otherwise seem a bizarre programming selection, The Weather Channel has begun tracking the comings and goings of the NBA free agency period in an effort to alert viewers to the potentially deadly fluctuations in precipitation brought about by wealthy, celebratory athletes "makin' it rain."

Though at first thought to be yet another innocuous hip-hop trend, the recent wave of flood-related fatalities in Orlando, Chicago, Memphis, and Detroit have shed light upon the darker side of the big free agent payday so many athletes strive to achieve.

"If you are in a low-lying area anywhere near a high-end strip club, you must, I repeat, must have your free agency preparedness kit ready," warned The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore. "And if you happen to be caught outdoors and hear a sound like a freight train or an incomprehensibly simplistic rap song approaching, take immediate cover."

Meteorologists warn that those viewers residing in NBA cities currently under the salary cap should prepare themselves for the worst. Whenever possible, viewers are being asked to pack up and head to cities that either do not have an NBA franchise or whose franchise is currently near or above the luxury tax threshold. Residents of cities with mid-level exceptions are under a "make it rain" watch and are advised to take extreme caution, while cities with players signing max contracts are under mandatory evacuation until the start of training camp.

Magic Thoughtfully Allow Other Teams To Improve At Their Expense

In a move designed to postpone the requisite feeling of shame and inadequacy that accompany an Orlando Magic first round draft selection, the franchise completed a ground-breaking deal with the Memphis Grizzlies on Wednesday. Though the terms of the agreement were not officially disclosed, it is believed that the deal will send perennial underachiever Darko Milicic and the Magic's 2008 and 2009 first round draft picks to Memphis in exchange for the peace of mind of not having to make a hilariously misguided and uninformed selection for at least two more seasons.

Though officially the first of its kind, this type of deal is not entirely unfamiliar to the Magic organization. Just two seasons ago the Magic made a similar trade with the Pistons that also happened to involve the 6'11'' power forward. This agreement allowed the Magic to give the Pistons' its first round selection in this year's draft in exchange for the right to renounce Milicic's rights and allow him to sign with an organization that actually attempts to develop its young talent.