Pics 'n Rolls: Orlando-Area White Couple Way Too Enthusiastic About Adonal Foyle Signing

Bo Outlaw Momentarily Ecstatic Upon Reading Travis Outlaw Signs With Portland

Free agent power forward Bo Outlaw felt his heart momentarily leap from his chest Wednesday as he read about the Trail Blazers re-signing small forward Travis Outlaw to a three-year deal. The spontaneous joy lasted only a few seconds, however as he quickly realized his error.

"I'm sad to say that it wasn't the first time I've made this mistake," a despondent Bo Outlaw remarked by telephone from his Orlando home. "In the 2003 draft, I thought for a split second that I had somehow been re-drafted. I know what you're thinking, but that instant is inescapable. I mean, it's just not a common last name."

When asked about his own prospects for the coming season, Outlaw muttered something about retirement before trailing off into unintelligible ramblings of the 1999 "Heart and Hustle" season during his first stint with the Magic.

Weather Channel Forced To Report On NBA Free Agency

In what would otherwise seem a bizarre programming selection, The Weather Channel has begun tracking the comings and goings of the NBA free agency period in an effort to alert viewers to the potentially deadly fluctuations in precipitation brought about by wealthy, celebratory athletes "makin' it rain."

Though at first thought to be yet another innocuous hip-hop trend, the recent wave of flood-related fatalities in Orlando, Chicago, Memphis, and Detroit have shed light upon the darker side of the big free agent payday so many athletes strive to achieve.

"If you are in a low-lying area anywhere near a high-end strip club, you must, I repeat, must have your free agency preparedness kit ready," warned The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore. "And if you happen to be caught outdoors and hear a sound like a freight train or an incomprehensibly simplistic rap song approaching, take immediate cover."

Meteorologists warn that those viewers residing in NBA cities currently under the salary cap should prepare themselves for the worst. Whenever possible, viewers are being asked to pack up and head to cities that either do not have an NBA franchise or whose franchise is currently near or above the luxury tax threshold. Residents of cities with mid-level exceptions are under a "make it rain" watch and are advised to take extreme caution, while cities with players signing max contracts are under mandatory evacuation until the start of training camp.

Medvedenko Realizing Free Agency Not As Great As Shaq Described

Unrestricted free agent forward Slava Medvedenko is quickly coming to the realization that the wining and dining free agency courting process described by his former Lakers teammates is not quite as lavish as he had been led to believe.

"Shaq tells of fancy dinners, beautiful women...I see none of this," lamented Medvedenko.

The seventh-year forward out of the Ukraine had spent the majority of his NBA career with the Los Angeles Lakers before being picked up last season by the Atlanta Hawks.

When reached for comment, Medvedenko had just exited a Los Angeles-area Arby's after a business meeting with his agent. Though Medvedenko would not specify what teams have contacted him, he did not rule out a return to the Lakers. While he noted that he ideally prefers the milder climate and laid-back lifestyle of the West to the hustle and bustle of the East, his strongest preference at the moment is for someone, anyone to call and mercifully end the sleepless nights of gentle sobbing in his underwear next to the soul-crushing silence of his telephone. Anyone but the Hawks, I mean. He said there's no way in hell he's going back there.

Wallace, Bobcats Deadlocked In Most Meaningless Negotiation In NBA History

In a tense back-and-forth negotiation to determine which party is more irrelevant within the league-wide context, SF Gerald Wallace and the Charlotte Bobcats appeared to inch closer to coming to an agreement Tuesday afternoon. The proposed deal would allow the Bobcats to retain Wallace, the top performer from last year's 33-49 team, for an estimated $60-million contract. In spite of the typical negotiation posturing, word out of Bobcats camp is that team officials feel the $60-million price tag may ultimately turn out to be the steal of this year's free agent class if the high-flying swingman can help the team replicate the .313 win percentage they have come to expect during the Gerald Wallace era.