Heat Sign Penny Hardaway As Eastern Conference Apparently In Denial Over What Decade It Is

Evidently unhappy with the current imbalance of power in the NBA, the Eastern Conference is attempting to return to the 90s, the era when it was last relevant in the eyes of fans and the media. At least, that is the only possible explanation that can be deduced to explain the recent trend of Eastern Conference teams showing interest in players who haven't been effective in many years.

After the rumored courtship between the Celtics and Reggie Miller, two more former stars found themselves in the news today. Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway has signed an undisclosed contract with the Miami Heat, while former Knick teammate Allan Houston is reportedly considering a comeback of his own with the Cavs, Celtics, or a handful of other teams.

"This is a great day for the Miami Heat," announced president and head coach Pat Riley Thursday. "We have finally realized our dream as an organization of reuniting Shaq and Penny, the most electrifying tandem in the league. Granted we would have really preferred to accomplish this about 10 years ago, but nevertheless, we are still ecstatic."

At the current rate, there is no way to predict which former All-Stars may be in the news tomorrow, but if the trend of the last two days continues, Open Look Hoops' statistical models project that when the season tips off this fall, a whopping 98.2% (margin of error +/- 98.1%) of NBA rosters will be comprised of players making comebacks.

Although there are still months before the start of camp and many of the rumored comebacks are merely speculation at this point, Open Look Hoops is cautiously advising its readers to go ahead and get their Detlef Schrempf jerseys out of storage in order to allow ample time for them to air out before the regular season begins.

Reggie Miller Considers Adding Embarassing Asterisk To Hall Of Fame Career

Looking to add an awkward and anticlimactic end to what many consider a Hall of Fame-caliber 18-year career, former Indiana Pacer All-Star Reggie Miller is considering a return to the NBA. According to sources out of Boston, the Celtics are currently in discussion with the retired shooting guard about returning to the court this upcoming season.

Out of the league since 2005, Miller has spent the past few seasons as an analyst for TNT, and had apparently been planning to continue in that capacity until being contacted by Celtics' GM Danny Ainge and head coach Doc Rivers. The duo proposed that Miller join the overhauled Celtics' roster in a reserve role, playing around 15 minutes a game.

"Well, to be honest, I had been really happy with the way my career came to a close," explained Miller, who turns 42 later this month, in a Wednesday interview. "But, you know, the more I thought about it, who wants to go out a hero in the town he spent his entire career in when he has a chance to play an embarrassingly reduced role as an insignificant hired gone for a conference foe?"

Though the Celtics have not yet officially coaxed the sharpshooter out of retirement, rumors are already beginning to swirl that Ainge and Rivers might not be done wheeling and dealing. They have apparently contacted former Detroit Pistons Bad Boys Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn about leaving their WNBA coaching positions to help alleviate the team's frontcourt depth concerns, and are also reportedly in pursuit of former Lakers forward James Worthy to sparingly play a handful of minutes at the end of assured victories.

When asked by a group of reporters whether the team is attempting to construct some sort of novelty act akin to the Harlem Globetrotters, Ainge appeared overcome with a look of epiphany before saying, "Globetrotters! Yes! I wonder if Curly Neal would be willing to sign a 15-day contract?"

Charles Oakley Contemplates Comeback; GMs Smile And Nod Uncomfortably While Slowly Backing Out Of Room

Charles Oakley, beloved former enforcer for the New York Knicks, believes that he can still contribute to an NBA franchise and has begun discussing a potential comeback to the league.

Out of the NBA since a brief stint with the Rockets in 2004, Oakley insinuated to reporters that he feels confident that he could provide invaluable leadership to a young team. In addition, Oakley intimated that he could easily give a team like the Cavs, who were swept from the NBA Finals, the type of play that they currently lack.

"Look at how bad Cleveland was in the NBA Finals," said Oakley to a group of reporters outside his training facility. "They had big guys who couldn't move and can't shoot. They never knocked Tony Parker on his butt.

"I'm not saying I'm better than guys who play every day. But I can play 20 minutes a night. I understand the game. I can shoot, make free throws and defend. A lot of teams don't have a general on the floor. I'm not trying to steal from anybody. Give me a tryout and if you don't think I can do it, then just cut me."

Though Oakley would not specify whether or not he has had contact with any specific teams, he did mention the Knicks and Cavs, among others, as potential destinations that would benefit from his services.

When reached for comment, Knicks GM Isiah Thomas giggled nervously, saying "Charles? Yeah, Charles could be a real asset...Did you say Cleveland? I think that would be a great fit. The Cavs could use some toughness and leadership. Yeah, definitely Cleveland..."

Cavs GM Danny Ferry had a similarly benevolent reaction to Oakley's interest in a comeback.

"Boy, Charles Oakley is a legend in this game and if he thinks he can still play, who'd argue with him?" said Ferry as he darted his gaze back and forth uncomfortably. "You know, he had so many wonderful seasons in New York that I couldn't imagine him making a comeback with any other team. It just wouldn't feel right, you know?"

No tryout dates have currently been arranged.