Reggie Miller Considers Adding Embarassing Asterisk To Hall Of Fame Career

Looking to add an awkward and anticlimactic end to what many consider a Hall of Fame-caliber 18-year career, former Indiana Pacer All-Star Reggie Miller is considering a return to the NBA. According to sources out of Boston, the Celtics are currently in discussion with the retired shooting guard about returning to the court this upcoming season.

Out of the league since 2005, Miller has spent the past few seasons as an analyst for TNT, and had apparently been planning to continue in that capacity until being contacted by Celtics' GM Danny Ainge and head coach Doc Rivers. The duo proposed that Miller join the overhauled Celtics' roster in a reserve role, playing around 15 minutes a game.

"Well, to be honest, I had been really happy with the way my career came to a close," explained Miller, who turns 42 later this month, in a Wednesday interview. "But, you know, the more I thought about it, who wants to go out a hero in the town he spent his entire career in when he has a chance to play an embarrassingly reduced role as an insignificant hired gone for a conference foe?"

Though the Celtics have not yet officially coaxed the sharpshooter out of retirement, rumors are already beginning to swirl that Ainge and Rivers might not be done wheeling and dealing. They have apparently contacted former Detroit Pistons Bad Boys Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn about leaving their WNBA coaching positions to help alleviate the team's frontcourt depth concerns, and are also reportedly in pursuit of former Lakers forward James Worthy to sparingly play a handful of minutes at the end of assured victories.

When asked by a group of reporters whether the team is attempting to construct some sort of novelty act akin to the Harlem Globetrotters, Ainge appeared overcome with a look of epiphany before saying, "Globetrotters! Yes! I wonder if Curly Neal would be willing to sign a 15-day contract?"

Kobe Enters Hour 47 Of Longingly Staring At KG Trade Coverage On NBA TV

Kobe Bryant continued his emotional vigil in front of the television in his Southern California mansion Thursday. The All-NBA star has spent the entirety of the past two days sitting on the edge of his bed in a bathrobe watching coverage of Kevin Garnett's trade to the Celtics.

It is no secret that Bryant, like Garnett, has long sought a trade of his own from the undermanned Lakers to a team that has a strong enough supporting cast to make a run at an NBA championship. With no deals currently in the works for the 11-year veteran, and none likely this off-season, Bryant had at least taken solace in the fact that it appeared as if Garnett would not be granted the trade he had hoped for either.

Instead, Garnett is now thrust into a team infused with enthusiasm and the support of two fellow All-Stars, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, while Bryant sits in a darkened room, alone and betrayed. With nothing but the flickering glow of the television illuminating the now-dry tear tracks down the superstar's cheeks, Bryant mutters softly to himself and blinks only when necessary.

Surrounded by empty pizza boxes and urine-filled Sprite bottles, Bryant does not appear to have a finite time table for his latest bout of self-pity. When asked how long he planned on remaining in front of the television, Bryant whispered "I want a trade...I want a trade..." over and over under his breath without averting his gaze from the footage of Garnett throwing out the first pitch at a Red Sox game.

Wolves Send KG To Celtics In Exchange For Entire Team, All Draft Picks, Ainge's Soul

The Boston Celtics and Minnesota Timberwolves reached an historic agreement certain to upset the balance of power in the Eastern Conference, a spokesperson for the Celtics confirmed Monday. The proposed deal would send Minnesota's All-NBA forward Kevin Garnett to Boston in exchange for the entire Celtics roster (other than Ray Allen and Paul Pierce), every draft pick in the foreseeable future, and general manager Danny Ainge's eternal soul.

"We couldn't be happier with the deal," gushed an effusive Ainge. "Sure we may only have three players left, but those three players are perennial All-Stars and consummate professionals. And by unloading so many players to Minnesota, we may have just enough room under the cap to sign someone for the veteran's minimum. Basically, we're on cloud nine here in Boston."

The blockbuster deal will likely leave an indelible mark on the NBA record books whether the Celtics win a championship or not. When the three All-Stars take the court together this season, it will mark the first time that a team has ever entered a season with less players on the roster than there are legally allowed on the court at one time. In fact, Garnett was reportedly already thrilled about the prospect of entering the Boston Hoop-It-Up 3-on-3 tournament with his new teammates the next time it rolls through town.

"I have been so close to winning it for so many years," confided Garnett. "I think Paul, Ray, and I can finally make it past the quarters. Hell, we may even enter the Top Gun division. Who knows?"

While the deal certainly signals an attempt by the Celtics to make a concerted run at the Finals with the veterans they have, it also ushers in a youth movement for the Wolves. Minnesota will likely have one of the youngest teams in the NBA next season, not to mention one of the fullest. GM Kevin McHale looks forward to what he feels will be the most competitive Training Camp that Minnesota has ever seen.

"With close to 30 players now on the roster, I fully anticipate the competition heating up come October," said McHale in a statement released to the media Monday evening.

The true determinant of which team ultimately walks away from this deal as the clear-cut winner, however, will likely hinge on the previously mentioned inclusion of Celtics' GM Danny Ainge's soul as the kicker.

When asked about surrendering control of his eternal fate and spiritual being, Ainge took a somewhat guarded stance on the issue.

"The fans here have been waiting a long time for another championship," remarked Ainge of the Boston faithful. "They are the most faith- did you say soul?!? Oh no...how long ago did I fax...oh sweet lord...McHALE!!!!!

Celtics Waive Allan Ray; Cite Name Similarity As Reason

The Boston Celtics parted ways with promising young guard Allan Ray after admitting that the prospect of having two guards named Ray Allen and Allan Ray on the same roster was "just too confusing."

The second-year man out of Villanova scored over 20 points three times in somewhat limited action as a rookie, and had built upon that performance with a strong showing in this month's NBA Summer League.

In the end, however, his play on the court was just not enough to overcome having such an eerily similar name to recently acquired All-Star Ray Allen.

"We tried to make it work," explained Celtics GM Danny Ainge. "But the reality of the situation is that it just wasn't practical from a logistical standpoint. We wish Ray - I mean, Allan - the best of luck. Whichever team picks him up will really have a solid young player who can contribute right away."

It is rumored that Pug Rights Activists are already planning to stage a boycott outside Celtics training camp to protest the inhumane treatment of Ray.

Brian Scalabrine Named Cover Athlete For Sony's NBA '08 Video Game

After the recent announcement that ESPN's NBA 2K8 will feature Hornets point guard Chris Paul as the cover star for its multi-platform fall release, Sony wasted little time in naming Celtics forward Brian Scalabrine as the cover athlete for its own NBA-licensed video game title.

"With EA Sports locking up Gilbert Arenas early on and 2K Sports closing the deal with Chris Paul this afternoon, we went with the player we identified from the beginning as who we wanted as the face of this franchise," gushed the elated lead programming developer for NBA '08 in a statement released Thursday evening. "We believe that no one better embodies the ideals and image of our line better than Brian Scalabrine, and we did not feel it necessary to waste anymore time before making it official."

The video gaming message boards are already abuzz with excitement over what many feel is the first time ever seeing a near perfect match between cover athlete and game. EA Sports' NBA Live '08 is always the top seller and is known for a slightly more run and gun, arcade-style game play, which is certainly represented by the enigmatic Arenas. NBA 2K8 is typically thought of as the more realistic, simulation-based experience, quite similar to the steady style of play brought by Paul. The NBA '08 series, on the other hand, is known for the sub-par visuals and sluggish, inept game play that characterize Scalabrine on a nightly basis.

Though too early to tell which game may have the edge this season, critics seem to be in agreement that the Scalabrine signing has once again solidified NBA '08's niche in what is the most competitive market in sports video gaming. While it may not have the fun factor of an NBA Live or the realism of a 2K sports game, your grandmother will assuredly still give it to you for Christmas even after explicit directions on how to identify and purchase one of the other two games.