Weather Channel Forced To Report On NBA Free Agency

In what would otherwise seem a bizarre programming selection, The Weather Channel has begun tracking the comings and goings of the NBA free agency period in an effort to alert viewers to the potentially deadly fluctuations in precipitation brought about by wealthy, celebratory athletes "makin' it rain."

Though at first thought to be yet another innocuous hip-hop trend, the recent wave of flood-related fatalities in Orlando, Chicago, Memphis, and Detroit have shed light upon the darker side of the big free agent payday so many athletes strive to achieve.

"If you are in a low-lying area anywhere near a high-end strip club, you must, I repeat, must have your free agency preparedness kit ready," warned The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore. "And if you happen to be caught outdoors and hear a sound like a freight train or an incomprehensibly simplistic rap song approaching, take immediate cover."

Meteorologists warn that those viewers residing in NBA cities currently under the salary cap should prepare themselves for the worst. Whenever possible, viewers are being asked to pack up and head to cities that either do not have an NBA franchise or whose franchise is currently near or above the luxury tax threshold. Residents of cities with mid-level exceptions are under a "make it rain" watch and are advised to take extreme caution, while cities with players signing max contracts are under mandatory evacuation until the start of training camp.