Kobe Enters Hour 47 Of Longingly Staring At KG Trade Coverage On NBA TV

Kobe Bryant continued his emotional vigil in front of the television in his Southern California mansion Thursday. The All-NBA star has spent the entirety of the past two days sitting on the edge of his bed in a bathrobe watching coverage of Kevin Garnett's trade to the Celtics.

It is no secret that Bryant, like Garnett, has long sought a trade of his own from the undermanned Lakers to a team that has a strong enough supporting cast to make a run at an NBA championship. With no deals currently in the works for the 11-year veteran, and none likely this off-season, Bryant had at least taken solace in the fact that it appeared as if Garnett would not be granted the trade he had hoped for either.

Instead, Garnett is now thrust into a team infused with enthusiasm and the support of two fellow All-Stars, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, while Bryant sits in a darkened room, alone and betrayed. With nothing but the flickering glow of the television illuminating the now-dry tear tracks down the superstar's cheeks, Bryant mutters softly to himself and blinks only when necessary.

Surrounded by empty pizza boxes and urine-filled Sprite bottles, Bryant does not appear to have a finite time table for his latest bout of self-pity. When asked how long he planned on remaining in front of the television, Bryant whispered "I want a trade...I want a trade..." over and over under his breath without averting his gaze from the footage of Garnett throwing out the first pitch at a Red Sox game.

Wolves Send KG To Celtics In Exchange For Entire Team, All Draft Picks, Ainge's Soul

The Boston Celtics and Minnesota Timberwolves reached an historic agreement certain to upset the balance of power in the Eastern Conference, a spokesperson for the Celtics confirmed Monday. The proposed deal would send Minnesota's All-NBA forward Kevin Garnett to Boston in exchange for the entire Celtics roster (other than Ray Allen and Paul Pierce), every draft pick in the foreseeable future, and general manager Danny Ainge's eternal soul.

"We couldn't be happier with the deal," gushed an effusive Ainge. "Sure we may only have three players left, but those three players are perennial All-Stars and consummate professionals. And by unloading so many players to Minnesota, we may have just enough room under the cap to sign someone for the veteran's minimum. Basically, we're on cloud nine here in Boston."

The blockbuster deal will likely leave an indelible mark on the NBA record books whether the Celtics win a championship or not. When the three All-Stars take the court together this season, it will mark the first time that a team has ever entered a season with less players on the roster than there are legally allowed on the court at one time. In fact, Garnett was reportedly already thrilled about the prospect of entering the Boston Hoop-It-Up 3-on-3 tournament with his new teammates the next time it rolls through town.

"I have been so close to winning it for so many years," confided Garnett. "I think Paul, Ray, and I can finally make it past the quarters. Hell, we may even enter the Top Gun division. Who knows?"

While the deal certainly signals an attempt by the Celtics to make a concerted run at the Finals with the veterans they have, it also ushers in a youth movement for the Wolves. Minnesota will likely have one of the youngest teams in the NBA next season, not to mention one of the fullest. GM Kevin McHale looks forward to what he feels will be the most competitive Training Camp that Minnesota has ever seen.

"With close to 30 players now on the roster, I fully anticipate the competition heating up come October," said McHale in a statement released to the media Monday evening.

The true determinant of which team ultimately walks away from this deal as the clear-cut winner, however, will likely hinge on the previously mentioned inclusion of Celtics' GM Danny Ainge's soul as the kicker.

When asked about surrendering control of his eternal fate and spiritual being, Ainge took a somewhat guarded stance on the issue.

"The fans here have been waiting a long time for another championship," remarked Ainge of the Boston faithful. "They are the most faith- did you say soul?!? Oh no...how long ago did I fax...oh sweet lord...McHALE!!!!!