Kobe Enters Hour 47 Of Longingly Staring At KG Trade Coverage On NBA TV

Kobe Bryant continued his emotional vigil in front of the television in his Southern California mansion Thursday. The All-NBA star has spent the entirety of the past two days sitting on the edge of his bed in a bathrobe watching coverage of Kevin Garnett's trade to the Celtics.

It is no secret that Bryant, like Garnett, has long sought a trade of his own from the undermanned Lakers to a team that has a strong enough supporting cast to make a run at an NBA championship. With no deals currently in the works for the 11-year veteran, and none likely this off-season, Bryant had at least taken solace in the fact that it appeared as if Garnett would not be granted the trade he had hoped for either.

Instead, Garnett is now thrust into a team infused with enthusiasm and the support of two fellow All-Stars, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, while Bryant sits in a darkened room, alone and betrayed. With nothing but the flickering glow of the television illuminating the now-dry tear tracks down the superstar's cheeks, Bryant mutters softly to himself and blinks only when necessary.

Surrounded by empty pizza boxes and urine-filled Sprite bottles, Bryant does not appear to have a finite time table for his latest bout of self-pity. When asked how long he planned on remaining in front of the television, Bryant whispered "I want a trade...I want a trade..." over and over under his breath without averting his gaze from the footage of Garnett throwing out the first pitch at a Red Sox game.

Wolves Send KG To Celtics In Exchange For Entire Team, All Draft Picks, Ainge's Soul

The Boston Celtics and Minnesota Timberwolves reached an historic agreement certain to upset the balance of power in the Eastern Conference, a spokesperson for the Celtics confirmed Monday. The proposed deal would send Minnesota's All-NBA forward Kevin Garnett to Boston in exchange for the entire Celtics roster (other than Ray Allen and Paul Pierce), every draft pick in the foreseeable future, and general manager Danny Ainge's eternal soul.

"We couldn't be happier with the deal," gushed an effusive Ainge. "Sure we may only have three players left, but those three players are perennial All-Stars and consummate professionals. And by unloading so many players to Minnesota, we may have just enough room under the cap to sign someone for the veteran's minimum. Basically, we're on cloud nine here in Boston."

The blockbuster deal will likely leave an indelible mark on the NBA record books whether the Celtics win a championship or not. When the three All-Stars take the court together this season, it will mark the first time that a team has ever entered a season with less players on the roster than there are legally allowed on the court at one time. In fact, Garnett was reportedly already thrilled about the prospect of entering the Boston Hoop-It-Up 3-on-3 tournament with his new teammates the next time it rolls through town.

"I have been so close to winning it for so many years," confided Garnett. "I think Paul, Ray, and I can finally make it past the quarters. Hell, we may even enter the Top Gun division. Who knows?"

While the deal certainly signals an attempt by the Celtics to make a concerted run at the Finals with the veterans they have, it also ushers in a youth movement for the Wolves. Minnesota will likely have one of the youngest teams in the NBA next season, not to mention one of the fullest. GM Kevin McHale looks forward to what he feels will be the most competitive Training Camp that Minnesota has ever seen.

"With close to 30 players now on the roster, I fully anticipate the competition heating up come October," said McHale in a statement released to the media Monday evening.

The true determinant of which team ultimately walks away from this deal as the clear-cut winner, however, will likely hinge on the previously mentioned inclusion of Celtics' GM Danny Ainge's soul as the kicker.

When asked about surrendering control of his eternal fate and spiritual being, Ainge took a somewhat guarded stance on the issue.

"The fans here have been waiting a long time for another championship," remarked Ainge of the Boston faithful. "They are the most faith- did you say soul?!? Oh no...how long ago did I fax...oh sweet lord...McHALE!!!!!

Blockbuster Trade Falls Through As GMs Pull Heads From Asses

A potential blockbuster trade was "very close" to completion last week before talks deteriorated between the teams involved in the proposed three-way deal. Sources have confirmed that the rumored swap would have sent versatile Lakers forward Lamar Odom to the Nets, high flying Richard Jefferson from the Nets to the Bobcats, and up-and-coming forward Gerald Wallace from the Bobcats to the Lakers.

The deal apparently hit a snag when Bobcats minority owner Michael Jordan pulled his head out of his ass and realized that the agreement "would not really change much for any of the teams involved and require quite a bit of paperwork."

When asked to respond to the comments made by Jordan, Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak attempted to rationalize the trade, saying something about Gerald Wallace and Kobe having the same agent before finally assenting.

"You know, he does have a point," conceded Kupchak. "I mean fans don't realize just how much paperwork is involved in these deals."

Nets GM Rod Thorn could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the team confessed that the organization "actually really prefers Richard [Jefferson] to the other two players involved," but that the Nets were "just being polite since the trade probably wouldn't have gotten [them] out of the second round in the East either way."

Despite all this, there are rumblings out of Charlotte that Jordan may be willing to reconsider the deal if the Nets throw in a conditional second round draft pick, saying, "Ooh...You can never have too many of those."

Spurs, Rockets Complete Blockbuster Deal

In a move that will certainly upset the balance of power in the West and likely have a ripple effect throughout the entire league, the San Antonio Spurs sent center Jackie Butler and forward Luis Scola to Houston in exchange for guard Vassilis Spanoulis, a future second round pick, and cash.

The agreement, completed late Thursday, should provide the Rockets with the critical missing components to complement what will be a very strong returning core led by All-Stars Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming. One Western Conference executive who asked to remain anonymous went so far as to suggest that had Butler and Scola been with the Rockets last season, the fate of former head coach Jeff Van Gundy may have turned out differently.

"Let's face it, the Rockets were just a tweak or two away from being a real contender in the West last season. If you asked all the GMs around the NBA what they felt the Rockets were missing last year, 90 percent would give you the same answer: a mediocre backup ccnter to stash on IR and the rights to a solid frontcourt player currently playing overseas. Had Van Gundy had access to those resources, he likely would have been able to save his job."

The Butler/Scola trade looks to be yet another blunder in a long string of hapless personnel moves by the Spurs. Clearly the Rockets have taken advantage of the somehow-reigning champions and set themselves up to be the crown jewel of the Southwest Division for years to come.