Juwan Howard Demands Trade...Seriously

Minnesota power forward Juwan Howard, acquired this past June from the Rockets in exchange for guard Mike James, has made it known that he has no intention of ever suiting up for the Wolves.

In an interview with a Minneapolis newspaper Sunday, Howard shared his displeasure over the Kevin Garnett trade and expressed his desire to be traded to a team with more immediate playoff aspirations.

"I have been around this league a long time, and I don't have many years left," intimated Howard. "I think I have whined enough throughout my career to have earned the opportunity to bring my selfish attitude and unorthodox shot to a contender who will likely neither want or need me."

When notified of Howard's request for a trade, Wolves GM Kevin McHale offered a typically diplomatic response for a GM seeking bargaining leverage.

"When did we trade for Juwan Howard?" asked an expressionless McHale. "I mean, he definitely seems like the type of player I would want to build around, but I honestly have no recollection of when that trade might have happened."

Howard's agent expressed a similarly cryptic attitude about his client's request.

"You're kidding me, right? Last time I checked, Juwan had been out of the league for the past two seasons. But what do I know? I'm just his agent. Check your facts next time, buddy..."

In spite of the primary parties required to complete a trade having no apparent knowledge of his presence on the Wolves roster, Howard could not keep himself from speculating as to potential destinations.

"Well, like I said, I'm only willing to go to a contender at this point," explained the 13-year veteran. "San Antonio would work. I think my inability to defend would really fit their system. Phoenix as well - I could really slow them down. Cleveland is another one because Lebron needs veteran leaders to show him how not to act. Any of those three would be good fits, I think. Now it's all in the hands of the man upstairs..."

Troy Hudson Releases Rap Album; World Apparently Not Ready

Minnesota point guard Troy Hudson, or T-Hud as he's known in the music community, released his debut rap album on July 17th. The album, entitled Undrafted, sold 78 copies in its first week. While sales certainly eclipsed the initial projections that indicated Hudson's immediate family as the only likely purchasers, it still sent a clear message to mediocre veteran point guards throughout the NBA that the global marketplace may not quite be ready for the kind of talent capable of both rhyming words and scoring 5.9 points a game. This does not appear to bode well for the upcoming release of Spurs point guard Beno Udrih's own debut album, Unchain My Game, Mother F*cker.

Wolves Send KG To Celtics In Exchange For Entire Team, All Draft Picks, Ainge's Soul

The Boston Celtics and Minnesota Timberwolves reached an historic agreement certain to upset the balance of power in the Eastern Conference, a spokesperson for the Celtics confirmed Monday. The proposed deal would send Minnesota's All-NBA forward Kevin Garnett to Boston in exchange for the entire Celtics roster (other than Ray Allen and Paul Pierce), every draft pick in the foreseeable future, and general manager Danny Ainge's eternal soul.

"We couldn't be happier with the deal," gushed an effusive Ainge. "Sure we may only have three players left, but those three players are perennial All-Stars and consummate professionals. And by unloading so many players to Minnesota, we may have just enough room under the cap to sign someone for the veteran's minimum. Basically, we're on cloud nine here in Boston."

The blockbuster deal will likely leave an indelible mark on the NBA record books whether the Celtics win a championship or not. When the three All-Stars take the court together this season, it will mark the first time that a team has ever entered a season with less players on the roster than there are legally allowed on the court at one time. In fact, Garnett was reportedly already thrilled about the prospect of entering the Boston Hoop-It-Up 3-on-3 tournament with his new teammates the next time it rolls through town.

"I have been so close to winning it for so many years," confided Garnett. "I think Paul, Ray, and I can finally make it past the quarters. Hell, we may even enter the Top Gun division. Who knows?"

While the deal certainly signals an attempt by the Celtics to make a concerted run at the Finals with the veterans they have, it also ushers in a youth movement for the Wolves. Minnesota will likely have one of the youngest teams in the NBA next season, not to mention one of the fullest. GM Kevin McHale looks forward to what he feels will be the most competitive Training Camp that Minnesota has ever seen.

"With close to 30 players now on the roster, I fully anticipate the competition heating up come October," said McHale in a statement released to the media Monday evening.

The true determinant of which team ultimately walks away from this deal as the clear-cut winner, however, will likely hinge on the previously mentioned inclusion of Celtics' GM Danny Ainge's soul as the kicker.

When asked about surrendering control of his eternal fate and spiritual being, Ainge took a somewhat guarded stance on the issue.

"The fans here have been waiting a long time for another championship," remarked Ainge of the Boston faithful. "They are the most faith- did you say soul?!? Oh no...how long ago did I fax...oh sweet lord...McHALE!!!!!