Does More Name Equal More Game? The FAQs

Editor's Note: First off, my sincerest apologies for the delay in posting this follow-up to our riveting lecture series discussing the ins-and-outs of the modern thrice-named NBA player, or as its known in the scientific community, Baller Nomenus Maximus. While those at Open Look Hoops have clearly been gifted with immeasurable wit and incisive analytical skills, we have found God to have mitigated that talent (for the sake of fairness, of course) with an all-consuming laziness which precludes optimal use of said talent in order to protect the collective creative will of the other bloggers. You had probably already drawn that inference anyway, but now that it's out in the open, we can finally begin to grow with one another in an environment free from the dependence and resentment that has thusly shackled our blogospheric courtship.

At the conclusion of our last installment, we had just finished a lovely little thought experiment which left us filled with both excitement and wonder (plus an indulgent lust to dig our old Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf jerseys out of the closet and clutch them longingly against our naked bodies - unless that was just me). But now that we are all plainly aware of the uniquely powerful effects of an increased nomenclature on the games of young NBA players, we find ourselves seeking more. Why is this so, you might ask? Well, my friends, knowledge is power and power burns within us like wildfire, constantly needing its flames stoked and its logs replenished. So, to appease this fickle mistress called power, we find ourselves here, not content with what we have learned, ablaze with inquisition.

On that oddly flowery and poetic note, we present Does More Name Equal More Game? The FAQs. Each question included in the following FAQ is in fact an actual question submitted by you, the reader. We thank those of you who contributed, for without you, we would have had to make these up ourselves.

What's the deal with all the players with three names being from foreign countries? (Adam, Gainesville, FL)

Well, Adam, that's a very astute observation. In our extensive research into the subject we have confirmed that an overwhelming percentage of thrice-named players happen to hail from exotic ports of call. This doesn't surprise us, however. You see, despite our unflinching belief that we here in the States are always on the cutting edge of all the latest and greatest, the international scene has long provided the impetus for such radical social movements as the Phoenix Suns' run and gun offense, the Andrew Bogut Hare Krishna hairstyle (above), and Joakim Noah's French-infused rhythmical draft day shuffle (see video below). It's only a matter of time before the three-name player becomes inexorably embedded within our NBA culture.



It seems like Muslim players would have a built-in advantage when it comes to incorporating that third name. Is that unfair or what? (Richard, Austin, TX)

No, it is completely fair and Islam is a rich and sacred religion. We should embrace our Muslim brothers as friends and colleagues just like our forefathers pictured below. To be clear, Open Look Hoops is a friend to the Muslim community and respects its hallowed place within our theological pantheon. Next question.


I have a hyphenated last name. Do you think that counts, and if so, will this newfound understanding improve my vertical leap in any way? (Mort, Burbank, CA)

Mort, first of all, yes, having a hyphenated last name is like adding an extra half-name to the equation. Second, we're not sure what other way one could possibly improve one's vertical leap than vertically (unless...horizontally?). At the time of publication, there exists no statistical corroboration for your link between number of names and vertical leaping ability, however we here at the Open Look Hoops labs are looking into it. For the moment, the only scientifically-proven method of improving your jumping is by purchasing our very own Open Look Hoops presents Pat Garrity's Jumptastic JumpSoles, yours for only three payments of $29.99.

Hypothetically-speaking, would you ever name your child something that lends itself to going by all three names just to improve his/her basketball game? (Jake, New York, NY)

We're way ahead of you here, Jake, but I'm glad you brought this up. I had been looking for a way to broach this topic, and you've given me the perfect segue. I would like to take this opportunity to announce the birth of my first child, Juan Abdul Tuarasi-Bowers, a beautiful 11 lbs. 8 oz. baby boy. He and his mother will be coming home from the hospital any minite now. Here's hoping he can fulfill his father's own shattered dreams of playing Division III college basketball. No pressure, though.


Well, that about wraps up our five-part investigation into whether more name truly does equal more game. Thank you for your patience and enthusiasm. Now I have to go out back and finish pouring the cement for the new basketball court. He doesn't know it yet, but Juan Abdul and I will be spending the afternoon working on his face-up game. From what I could tell standing outside the hospital nursery, his reverse pivot is a mess. No pressure, though.