Does More Name Equal More Game? The FAQs

Editor's Note: First off, my sincerest apologies for the delay in posting this follow-up to our riveting lecture series discussing the ins-and-outs of the modern thrice-named NBA player, or as its known in the scientific community, Baller Nomenus Maximus. While those at Open Look Hoops have clearly been gifted with immeasurable wit and incisive analytical skills, we have found God to have mitigated that talent (for the sake of fairness, of course) with an all-consuming laziness which precludes optimal use of said talent in order to protect the collective creative will of the other bloggers. You had probably already drawn that inference anyway, but now that it's out in the open, we can finally begin to grow with one another in an environment free from the dependence and resentment that has thusly shackled our blogospheric courtship.

At the conclusion of our last installment, we had just finished a lovely little thought experiment which left us filled with both excitement and wonder (plus an indulgent lust to dig our old Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf jerseys out of the closet and clutch them longingly against our naked bodies - unless that was just me). But now that we are all plainly aware of the uniquely powerful effects of an increased nomenclature on the games of young NBA players, we find ourselves seeking more. Why is this so, you might ask? Well, my friends, knowledge is power and power burns within us like wildfire, constantly needing its flames stoked and its logs replenished. So, to appease this fickle mistress called power, we find ourselves here, not content with what we have learned, ablaze with inquisition.

On that oddly flowery and poetic note, we present Does More Name Equal More Game? The FAQs. Each question included in the following FAQ is in fact an actual question submitted by you, the reader. We thank those of you who contributed, for without you, we would have had to make these up ourselves.

What's the deal with all the players with three names being from foreign countries? (Adam, Gainesville, FL)

Well, Adam, that's a very astute observation. In our extensive research into the subject we have confirmed that an overwhelming percentage of thrice-named players happen to hail from exotic ports of call. This doesn't surprise us, however. You see, despite our unflinching belief that we here in the States are always on the cutting edge of all the latest and greatest, the international scene has long provided the impetus for such radical social movements as the Phoenix Suns' run and gun offense, the Andrew Bogut Hare Krishna hairstyle (above), and Joakim Noah's French-infused rhythmical draft day shuffle (see video below). It's only a matter of time before the three-name player becomes inexorably embedded within our NBA culture.



It seems like Muslim players would have a built-in advantage when it comes to incorporating that third name. Is that unfair or what? (Richard, Austin, TX)

No, it is completely fair and Islam is a rich and sacred religion. We should embrace our Muslim brothers as friends and colleagues just like our forefathers pictured below. To be clear, Open Look Hoops is a friend to the Muslim community and respects its hallowed place within our theological pantheon. Next question.


I have a hyphenated last name. Do you think that counts, and if so, will this newfound understanding improve my vertical leap in any way? (Mort, Burbank, CA)

Mort, first of all, yes, having a hyphenated last name is like adding an extra half-name to the equation. Second, we're not sure what other way one could possibly improve one's vertical leap than vertically (unless...horizontally?). At the time of publication, there exists no statistical corroboration for your link between number of names and vertical leaping ability, however we here at the Open Look Hoops labs are looking into it. For the moment, the only scientifically-proven method of improving your jumping is by purchasing our very own Open Look Hoops presents Pat Garrity's Jumptastic JumpSoles, yours for only three payments of $29.99.

Hypothetically-speaking, would you ever name your child something that lends itself to going by all three names just to improve his/her basketball game? (Jake, New York, NY)

We're way ahead of you here, Jake, but I'm glad you brought this up. I had been looking for a way to broach this topic, and you've given me the perfect segue. I would like to take this opportunity to announce the birth of my first child, Juan Abdul Tuarasi-Bowers, a beautiful 11 lbs. 8 oz. baby boy. He and his mother will be coming home from the hospital any minite now. Here's hoping he can fulfill his father's own shattered dreams of playing Division III college basketball. No pressure, though.


Well, that about wraps up our five-part investigation into whether more name truly does equal more game. Thank you for your patience and enthusiasm. Now I have to go out back and finish pouring the cement for the new basketball court. He doesn't know it yet, but Juan Abdul and I will be spending the afternoon working on his face-up game. From what I could tell standing outside the hospital nursery, his reverse pivot is a mess. No pressure, though.

Does More Name Equal More Game? Yes! My God, Yes!

Editor's Note: This is the author's response to the title question posed in the previous three installments. Any views expressed in this essay are those of the author alone and, unless readers find them to be particularly insightful, do not necessarily represent the views of Open Look Hoops. Oh, who are we kidding...

So, the question we've been pondering for the last week is whether or not going by more than just the standard first and last name gives a player any advantages over his lesser-named contemporaries. Well, does more name equal more game, as the title inquires? The short answer is simply "well, of course." The long answer, however, is more nuanced and complex.

In the previously posted videos, we were shown brief but representative highlight videos of three of Open Look Hoops' favorite budding young talent. With games as diverse as their genealogical trees, this particular breed of player brings with him a certain "jenesequa" untapped in the more conventionally-named player. What we have found is that the Juan Carlos Navarros, Jose Juan Bareas, and Pops Mensah-Bonsus of the world appear to be able to harness a more defined sense of self-identity which in turn facilitates the type of faith and confidence requisite of greatness. You see, the inclusion of a third name affords the player a 50% increase in the number of heritage-related guiding forces with which to shape their sense of self-efficacy. Disagree? Well, let's if the following little case study changes your tune.

I think it's safe to assume that we are all intimately familiar with former Nuggets guard Mahmoud "Don't Call Me Chris Jackson" Abdul-Rauf. Though undoubtedly remembered most for his valiant struggles in overcoming both Tourette Syndrome and the symbolic oppression of the "Star Spangled Banner," there was in fact a far more intriguing storyline hiding beneath the surface. That storyline is the quiet metamorphosis that took place right under our noses.

After garnering one of the most decorated and impressive collegiate careers in NCAA history, then-Jackson entered the NBA as the third overall selection in the NBA Draft. After a decent rookie season, Jackson appeared to hit a wall in his development during his sophomore campaign. His stats dipped and his confidence was at its lowest in years. Then, following his name change to Mahmoud Abdul Rauf in 1991, he resurrected his game and became the NBA's Most Improved Player in 1993. While some might attribute the resurgence in play to a spiritual awakening accompanying his conversion to Islam, I find it much more convenient to not acknowledge that aspect and focus on the name change alone (and also ignore the subsequent tumultuous and disappointing path his career then took). For visual proof see the following pre- and post-name change videos below. The differences should reveal themselves dramatically to those with a finely-tuned basketball eye. (For those without such an eye, don't worry, I never expected you to read this far anyway.) I refer to this phenomenon as the "Rauf-ification Effect".

As Chris Jackson:




As Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf:



Now, I don't want you to be too hard on yourself here. I didn't see it at first either, but oh boy, you will, and we'll all share a hardy laugh about this someday.

With irrefutable evidence now in the hands of the people, there are a few follow-up questions that inexorably crop up in the analytic hoopster's mind. Those will be addressed in a forthcoming post. Until then, seek comfort in the truth that we together have unfurled, and know that whatever happens in our individual lives, collectively we have discovered something that no one can ever take from us. We have captured lightning in a bottle. What we do with it is now in your hands. God speed.

Pics 'n Rolls: Orlando-Area White Couple Way Too Enthusiastic About Adonal Foyle Signing

Pics 'n Rolls: Coach K's Blood Pressure Elevates Slightly Above A Resting State As Team USA Struggles To 64-Point Victory Over Virgin Islands

Does More Name Equal More Game? An Open Look Hoops Videographic Exploration In Three Parts

Part Three: Pops Mensah-Bonsu

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of three videos that will be showcasing the games of the most exciting young thrice-named players. In order for a player to qualify, he must regularly go by at least three of his given birth names. An essay answering the question posed in the title will follow shortly after the posting of this final video.

Does More Name Equal More Game? An Open Look Hoops Videographic Exploration In Three Parts

Part Two: Jose Juan Barea

Editor's Note: This is the second in a series of three videos that will be showcasing the games of the most exciting young thrice-named players. In order for a player to qualify, he must regularly go by at least three of his given birth names. An essay answering the question posed in the title will follow shortly after the third player is profiled.


Click to view.

Does More Name Equal More Game? An Open Look Hoops Videographic Exploration In Three Parts

Part One: Juan Carlos Navarro

Editor's Note: This is the first in a series of three videos that will be showcasing the games of the most exciting young thrice-named players. In order for a player to qualify, he must regularly go by at least three of his given birth names. An essay answering the question posed in the title will follow shortly after the third player is profiled.

DeShawn Stevenson's Annual Magic: The Gathering Tournament Escalates Into Gun Battle

Wizards guard DeShawn Stevenson's annual Magic: The Gathering Tournament devolved into tragedy Monday morning as an unidentified participant was shot in the leg.

The tournament, which had become one of the most anticipated charity events on the NBA calendar, has always been known to provide a competitively charged atmosphere enjoyed by many of the participants. It appears that this competitive spirit of the event once again boiled over however, leading neighbors to call police to the Stevenson mansion after hearing gun shots.

"After so many people died last year, we weren't sure if it would be wise to bring back the tournament this year," explained Stevenson outside of his Orlando-area mansion. "It looks like we may need to take an extra year to cool off this time."

It was initially rumored that the victim of the gunshot might in fact be a current NBA player, but as no NBA player would publicly admit to being so invested in a game of Magic: The Gathering as to engage in a gun battle, that report has since been refuted.

No word yet as to what effect, if any, this has on Larry Hughes' Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament scheduled for next month.

Mark Madsen Out 3 Months After Injuring Shoulder Diving From Runaway Jet Ski

Sometimes truth is funnier than fiction...I wish I had made this up before it actually happened.

NBA's New Advertising Campaign: "Baby, I'm Sorry"

In an effort to win back fans disillusioned by the recent game fixing scandal involving referee Tim Donaghy, the NBA unveiled a new direction for its new marketing theme for the upcoming season.

Though the details of the campaign are still under development, commissioner David Stern confirmed that the NBA's new slogan for the 207-2008 season will in fact be "Baby, I'm Sorry." The advertisements, scheduled to begin airing in early September, will feature a music video-style format with artists like Keith Sweat, Johnny Gill, and Bobby Brown whispering sultry, sensuous apologies over an early 90s R&B soundtrack.

A sneak peek at one of the advertisements currently being developed revealed a black and white video of a sharply dressed Keith Sweat staring sexually into the camera while breathily muttering "Baby, I'm sorry. I never meant to let that man come between us. He's gone now, baby. It's just you and me. Please, baby. Come back to me..."

The campaign, developed by San Francisco-based Goodby, Silverstein & Partners, marks a bold but necessary departure from the league's previous branding efforts like "I Love This Game," which focused more on the aesthetic and social appeal of the league.

Open Look Hoops Officially On Maddenoliday

Open Look Hoops is taking a sick day this week to embark upon a yearly spiritual journey. Any attempts to contact the staff will be met with utter disdain and will not be soon forgotten. Happy gaming, everyone!

Juwan Howard Demands Trade...Seriously

Minnesota power forward Juwan Howard, acquired this past June from the Rockets in exchange for guard Mike James, has made it known that he has no intention of ever suiting up for the Wolves.

In an interview with a Minneapolis newspaper Sunday, Howard shared his displeasure over the Kevin Garnett trade and expressed his desire to be traded to a team with more immediate playoff aspirations.

"I have been around this league a long time, and I don't have many years left," intimated Howard. "I think I have whined enough throughout my career to have earned the opportunity to bring my selfish attitude and unorthodox shot to a contender who will likely neither want or need me."

When notified of Howard's request for a trade, Wolves GM Kevin McHale offered a typically diplomatic response for a GM seeking bargaining leverage.

"When did we trade for Juwan Howard?" asked an expressionless McHale. "I mean, he definitely seems like the type of player I would want to build around, but I honestly have no recollection of when that trade might have happened."

Howard's agent expressed a similarly cryptic attitude about his client's request.

"You're kidding me, right? Last time I checked, Juwan had been out of the league for the past two seasons. But what do I know? I'm just his agent. Check your facts next time, buddy..."

In spite of the primary parties required to complete a trade having no apparent knowledge of his presence on the Wolves roster, Howard could not keep himself from speculating as to potential destinations.

"Well, like I said, I'm only willing to go to a contender at this point," explained the 13-year veteran. "San Antonio would work. I think my inability to defend would really fit their system. Phoenix as well - I could really slow them down. Cleveland is another one because Lebron needs veteran leaders to show him how not to act. Any of those three would be good fits, I think. Now it's all in the hands of the man upstairs..."

Walker, Curry Robberies Linked; Thabo Sefolosha Invests In Extra Lock

Investigators in the recent break-ins involving the Chicago-area residences of Heat forward Antoine Walker and Knicks center Eddy Curry have determined that both incidents were perpetrated by the same four men.

Chicago police have taken the alleged criminals into custody where they currently face charges of home invasion, armed robbery, and aggravated kidnapping.

"We are still determining the extent to which these incidents are connected," announced Chicago police commander Thomas Byrne. "We have yet to find any evidence to suggest that this group of criminals targeted athletes' homes in particular, and we certainly don't believe that the poor work ethic shared by both these players had anything to do with these incidents, if you were wondering."

Despite the apprehension of those supposedly behind the crimes, athletes around the Chicago area are taking extra caution in protecting their own homes.

"I went to Home Depot today and picked up an extra padlock for my apartment door," explained a visibly shaken Thabo Sefolosha. "I am new to America, and am very frightened."

Sefolosha has reportedly spent the past week at head coach Scott Skiles' home, nestled safely at the foot of the bed he and his wife share.

"Thabo was a little shaken up by the whole thing," said Skiles. "I guess in Switzerland incidents like this don't happen too often."

There has currently been no date established for Sefolosha's withdrawal from the Skiles residence, but both player and coach appear confident of a return to normalcy before the start of training camp.

Heat Sign Penny Hardaway As Eastern Conference Apparently In Denial Over What Decade It Is

Evidently unhappy with the current imbalance of power in the NBA, the Eastern Conference is attempting to return to the 90s, the era when it was last relevant in the eyes of fans and the media. At least, that is the only possible explanation that can be deduced to explain the recent trend of Eastern Conference teams showing interest in players who haven't been effective in many years.

After the rumored courtship between the Celtics and Reggie Miller, two more former stars found themselves in the news today. Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway has signed an undisclosed contract with the Miami Heat, while former Knick teammate Allan Houston is reportedly considering a comeback of his own with the Cavs, Celtics, or a handful of other teams.

"This is a great day for the Miami Heat," announced president and head coach Pat Riley Thursday. "We have finally realized our dream as an organization of reuniting Shaq and Penny, the most electrifying tandem in the league. Granted we would have really preferred to accomplish this about 10 years ago, but nevertheless, we are still ecstatic."

At the current rate, there is no way to predict which former All-Stars may be in the news tomorrow, but if the trend of the last two days continues, Open Look Hoops' statistical models project that when the season tips off this fall, a whopping 98.2% (margin of error +/- 98.1%) of NBA rosters will be comprised of players making comebacks.

Although there are still months before the start of camp and many of the rumored comebacks are merely speculation at this point, Open Look Hoops is cautiously advising its readers to go ahead and get their Detlef Schrempf jerseys out of storage in order to allow ample time for them to air out before the regular season begins.

Reggie Miller Considers Adding Embarassing Asterisk To Hall Of Fame Career

Looking to add an awkward and anticlimactic end to what many consider a Hall of Fame-caliber 18-year career, former Indiana Pacer All-Star Reggie Miller is considering a return to the NBA. According to sources out of Boston, the Celtics are currently in discussion with the retired shooting guard about returning to the court this upcoming season.

Out of the league since 2005, Miller has spent the past few seasons as an analyst for TNT, and had apparently been planning to continue in that capacity until being contacted by Celtics' GM Danny Ainge and head coach Doc Rivers. The duo proposed that Miller join the overhauled Celtics' roster in a reserve role, playing around 15 minutes a game.

"Well, to be honest, I had been really happy with the way my career came to a close," explained Miller, who turns 42 later this month, in a Wednesday interview. "But, you know, the more I thought about it, who wants to go out a hero in the town he spent his entire career in when he has a chance to play an embarrassingly reduced role as an insignificant hired gone for a conference foe?"

Though the Celtics have not yet officially coaxed the sharpshooter out of retirement, rumors are already beginning to swirl that Ainge and Rivers might not be done wheeling and dealing. They have apparently contacted former Detroit Pistons Bad Boys Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn about leaving their WNBA coaching positions to help alleviate the team's frontcourt depth concerns, and are also reportedly in pursuit of former Lakers forward James Worthy to sparingly play a handful of minutes at the end of assured victories.

When asked by a group of reporters whether the team is attempting to construct some sort of novelty act akin to the Harlem Globetrotters, Ainge appeared overcome with a look of epiphany before saying, "Globetrotters! Yes! I wonder if Curly Neal would be willing to sign a 15-day contract?"

Clippers' Season In Further Jeopardy As Sam Cassell Transported Back To Home Planet

The Los Angeles Clippers' playoff hopes for the upcoming season received another serious setback Tuesday when veteran point guard Sam Cassell was unexpectedly transported back to his home planet.

On the heels of the potentially season-ending ruptured Achilles tendon suffered by All-Star power forward Elton Brand, the loss of the team's savvy floor general might be too much to overcome this season.

A stoic Vice President of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor faced the media shortly after the story was leaked to a local Los Angeles affiliate.

"This is a sad day in Clipper history, and as we all know, this is an organization that has seen more than its share of sad days," read Baylor from a prepared statement. "When Elton suffered his injury, we were devastated but resolute in our determination to push forward. Now that Sam has been taken from us, I'm just not so sure-"

At this point Baylor, fighting back tears, took a few moments to collect himself before continuing his statment.

"We always knew that the day would come when Sam's planet would need a loquacious, undersized point guard once again, but that does not detract from the emptiness we are all feeling at this moment."

The loss of Cassell for at least the 2007-2008 season is particularly difficult as his promising, but injury-prone understudy Shaun Livingston might also miss the entire season after reconstructive knee surgery in March. It is not yet clear if guard Cuttino Mobley will be asked to shift from his natural position of shooting guard or if the Clippers will look to free agency to held fill the void created by Cassell's untimely departure.

Open Look Hoops Editor: "We Deeply Apologize To Jason Kapono And His Fans"

As USA Basketball released the roster for its Men's Select Team, chosen to help Team USA prepare for the upcoming FIBA Championship, Open Look Hoops was utterly shocked and horrified to find that Jason Kapono had been named as one of the ten player selected to the squad.

On July 29th, Open Look Hoops featured a story mocking the (what we considered to be) unlikely possibility of Kapono being named to the team. In fact, Open Look Hoops scoured the league in an effort to target a mediocre player who might be humorously deluded enough to believe in his potential chances of making what we thought was an elite team of future NBA stars.

We stand corrected.

Clearly the characteristics we find to be laughable, such as an inability to defend or create one's own shot, are actually the foundation upon which USA Basketball is hoping to rebuild its tarnished reputation. In the future, we will make certain to factor in USA Basketball's myopic leadership whenever planning to satirize the decision-making of the organization.

We sincerely apologize to Mr. Kapono and his many fans for underestimating his talent and value to our country's basketball future. Henceforth, we shall never again take the Kapono name in vain.

EA Sports, FIBA Reach Agreement To Bring Disappointing Misrepresentation Of International Game To NBA Live '08

EA Sports announced a multi-year licensing agreement with basketball's international governing body, FIBA, that will transport the excitement of the FIBA World Championship into the homes of video gamers around the globe this October.

NBA Live '08, the leading basketball video game on the market, will bring its trademark disappointing game play and misrepresentation of the NBA to eight of the top international teams in the world. These include Spain, Greece, USA, France, Germany, Italy, Argentina, and China, with more teams to be added in forthcoming iterations of the series.

"We are extremely proud to announce our partnership with FIBA," said Jordan Edelstein, Director of Product Marketing for EA Sports."This should give the franchise another potentially fun and authentic element with which to excite and ultimately disappoint our loyal fans."

EA Sports is not the only party looking forward to the upcoming let-down of the new international features. Fans have already begun flooding video game stores with pre-orders for the October release of the game.

"I can't wait to see how EA manages to homogenize the run-and-gun style of the Italians and the methodical precision of the Chinese," said an excited fan outside of a New York City EB Games, Sunday. I mean, we can now look forward to NBA Live's cookie cutter player abilities being applied to the international game. If you liked Boris Diaw's robotic lack of playmaking ability with the Suns, I'm sure he will be equally as inept and unlike himself with France. I'm just filled with so much anticipation right now, I don't know how NBA Live '08 could possibly be in any better position to crush my expectations."

NBA.com Rookie Survey Reveals Morris Almond Voted For Himself In Every Category

NBA.com has released the results of its 2007-2008 Rookie Survey, which was conducted during the Rookie Photo Shoot on July 27th. The 44 players in attendance were asked to respond to 10 questions about this particular draft class, ranging from 'which rookie is ready to contribute right away?' to 'which rookie is being most overlooked?'.

For the most part, the findings turned out as the media might have expected, but that does not mean that the results were met without some amount of disagreement among the players.

The biggest scandal appears to stem from Golden State's Marco Belinelli's suggestion that Utah's Morris Almond padded his own votes.

"Morris Almond as best shooter - ridiculous!" blasted an irate Belinelli, clearly up-in-arms over his own third place finish in the category. "I saw his ballot when he was filling it out. He put himself for every answer."

Though NBA.com promised a livid Belinelli that they would launch a full-scale investigation into the matter, they are not actually going to do anything and have confirmed the veracity of the results to several media outlets.

"When it comes to his reputation as a shooter, Marco is very prideful, and rightfully so," explained a source for NBA.com. "However, what we're not sure he understands is that he finished third in the voting and was actually four votes behind Morris. Maybe they tally votes differently in Italy, but I'm not optimistic that Marco will find the resolution he is seeking."

When asked for his opinion on the matter, Morris Almond quizzically replied, "Who's Marco Belinelli? Is he the Formula 1 driver?"

Charles Oakley Contemplates Comeback; GMs Smile And Nod Uncomfortably While Slowly Backing Out Of Room

Charles Oakley, beloved former enforcer for the New York Knicks, believes that he can still contribute to an NBA franchise and has begun discussing a potential comeback to the league.

Out of the NBA since a brief stint with the Rockets in 2004, Oakley insinuated to reporters that he feels confident that he could provide invaluable leadership to a young team. In addition, Oakley intimated that he could easily give a team like the Cavs, who were swept from the NBA Finals, the type of play that they currently lack.

"Look at how bad Cleveland was in the NBA Finals," said Oakley to a group of reporters outside his training facility. "They had big guys who couldn't move and can't shoot. They never knocked Tony Parker on his butt.

"I'm not saying I'm better than guys who play every day. But I can play 20 minutes a night. I understand the game. I can shoot, make free throws and defend. A lot of teams don't have a general on the floor. I'm not trying to steal from anybody. Give me a tryout and if you don't think I can do it, then just cut me."

Though Oakley would not specify whether or not he has had contact with any specific teams, he did mention the Knicks and Cavs, among others, as potential destinations that would benefit from his services.

When reached for comment, Knicks GM Isiah Thomas giggled nervously, saying "Charles? Yeah, Charles could be a real asset...Did you say Cleveland? I think that would be a great fit. The Cavs could use some toughness and leadership. Yeah, definitely Cleveland..."

Cavs GM Danny Ferry had a similarly benevolent reaction to Oakley's interest in a comeback.

"Boy, Charles Oakley is a legend in this game and if he thinks he can still play, who'd argue with him?" said Ferry as he darted his gaze back and forth uncomfortably. "You know, he had so many wonderful seasons in New York that I couldn't imagine him making a comeback with any other team. It just wouldn't feel right, you know?"

No tryout dates have currently been arranged.

Wizards' Scout Finding It Increasingly Difficult To Justify "Taking A Chance" On Andray Blatche To Co-Workers

After receiving word of the arrest of 20-year old forward Andray Blatche for sexual solicitation Thursday, a scout for the Washington Wizards admitted that he is finding it harder and harder to stand by his draft night recommendation to select the high schooler.

"Oh, believe me, I'm going to hear about this in the office tomorrow," explained the scout, who asked to remain anonymous. "But let me just clarify something here, if I may. In 2005, when Andray dropped to the second round, I looked at our big board and simply pointed out the potential value of the pick. That doesn't all of a sudden make me the kid's publicist."

The arrest for sexual solicitation is the latest blemish on what has been a tumultuous two seasons in the NBA for the 6'10'' forward. Shortly before the start of Blatche's rookie season, he was shot during an attempted car jacking, forcing him to miss most of training camp. With the injury slowing his first-year development, Blatche bounced back and forth between the end of the bench in Washington and the Wizards' D-League affiliate in Roanoke, VA. Injuries to veterans opened the door for slightly more substantial playing time in his second season, but his progress was once again tainted by an off-court incident in which he faced criminal charges for failure to appear on a count of driving without a license.

"If this kid had any decency, he would pull his head out of his ass and stop ruining the reputation I've spent the last 25 years building," lamented the anonymous scout. "Oh, lord...that war room still haunts me...why couldn't I have said 'Ryan Gomes'? Two simple words and it might have all turned out differently. A failed marriage and a cocaine addiction later, however, I realize that Andray and I are forever bound by the hands of fate. In some strange way I kind of feel like a captain going down with his ship..."

Kobe Enters Hour 47 Of Longingly Staring At KG Trade Coverage On NBA TV

Kobe Bryant continued his emotional vigil in front of the television in his Southern California mansion Thursday. The All-NBA star has spent the entirety of the past two days sitting on the edge of his bed in a bathrobe watching coverage of Kevin Garnett's trade to the Celtics.

It is no secret that Bryant, like Garnett, has long sought a trade of his own from the undermanned Lakers to a team that has a strong enough supporting cast to make a run at an NBA championship. With no deals currently in the works for the 11-year veteran, and none likely this off-season, Bryant had at least taken solace in the fact that it appeared as if Garnett would not be granted the trade he had hoped for either.

Instead, Garnett is now thrust into a team infused with enthusiasm and the support of two fellow All-Stars, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, while Bryant sits in a darkened room, alone and betrayed. With nothing but the flickering glow of the television illuminating the now-dry tear tracks down the superstar's cheeks, Bryant mutters softly to himself and blinks only when necessary.

Surrounded by empty pizza boxes and urine-filled Sprite bottles, Bryant does not appear to have a finite time table for his latest bout of self-pity. When asked how long he planned on remaining in front of the television, Bryant whispered "I want a trade...I want a trade..." over and over under his breath without averting his gaze from the footage of Garnett throwing out the first pitch at a Red Sox game.

Troy Hudson Releases Rap Album; World Apparently Not Ready

Minnesota point guard Troy Hudson, or T-Hud as he's known in the music community, released his debut rap album on July 17th. The album, entitled Undrafted, sold 78 copies in its first week. While sales certainly eclipsed the initial projections that indicated Hudson's immediate family as the only likely purchasers, it still sent a clear message to mediocre veteran point guards throughout the NBA that the global marketplace may not quite be ready for the kind of talent capable of both rhyming words and scoring 5.9 points a game. This does not appear to bode well for the upcoming release of Spurs point guard Beno Udrih's own debut album, Unchain My Game, Mother F*cker.