While You Continue To Wait...

Why don't you go see the premiere screenings of friend of Open Look Hoops and sassy man-about-town Nick Borges's new movies "The Hanging Tree" and "Kill Quincy Wright"? Follow the link for more details...

Open Look Hoops Will Return At The Start of Training Camp...

Until then, I'm leaving you in the capable (and ever so gentle) hands of Mr. Steve Nash. I hope to see some improvement in your lateral quickness by the time I get back. Take it away, Steve...

Does More Name Equal More Game? The FAQs

Editor's Note: First off, my sincerest apologies for the delay in posting this follow-up to our riveting lecture series discussing the ins-and-outs of the modern thrice-named NBA player, or as its known in the scientific community, Baller Nomenus Maximus. While those at Open Look Hoops have clearly been gifted with immeasurable wit and incisive analytical skills, we have found God to have mitigated that talent (for the sake of fairness, of course) with an all-consuming laziness which precludes optimal use of said talent in order to protect the collective creative will of the other bloggers. You had probably already drawn that inference anyway, but now that it's out in the open, we can finally begin to grow with one another in an environment free from the dependence and resentment that has thusly shackled our blogospheric courtship.

At the conclusion of our last installment, we had just finished a lovely little thought experiment which left us filled with both excitement and wonder (plus an indulgent lust to dig our old Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf jerseys out of the closet and clutch them longingly against our naked bodies - unless that was just me). But now that we are all plainly aware of the uniquely powerful effects of an increased nomenclature on the games of young NBA players, we find ourselves seeking more. Why is this so, you might ask? Well, my friends, knowledge is power and power burns within us like wildfire, constantly needing its flames stoked and its logs replenished. So, to appease this fickle mistress called power, we find ourselves here, not content with what we have learned, ablaze with inquisition.

On that oddly flowery and poetic note, we present Does More Name Equal More Game? The FAQs. Each question included in the following FAQ is in fact an actual question submitted by you, the reader. We thank those of you who contributed, for without you, we would have had to make these up ourselves.

What's the deal with all the players with three names being from foreign countries? (Adam, Gainesville, FL)

Well, Adam, that's a very astute observation. In our extensive research into the subject we have confirmed that an overwhelming percentage of thrice-named players happen to hail from exotic ports of call. This doesn't surprise us, however. You see, despite our unflinching belief that we here in the States are always on the cutting edge of all the latest and greatest, the international scene has long provided the impetus for such radical social movements as the Phoenix Suns' run and gun offense, the Andrew Bogut Hare Krishna hairstyle (above), and Joakim Noah's French-infused rhythmical draft day shuffle (see video below). It's only a matter of time before the three-name player becomes inexorably embedded within our NBA culture.



It seems like Muslim players would have a built-in advantage when it comes to incorporating that third name. Is that unfair or what? (Richard, Austin, TX)

No, it is completely fair and Islam is a rich and sacred religion. We should embrace our Muslim brothers as friends and colleagues just like our forefathers pictured below. To be clear, Open Look Hoops is a friend to the Muslim community and respects its hallowed place within our theological pantheon. Next question.


I have a hyphenated last name. Do you think that counts, and if so, will this newfound understanding improve my vertical leap in any way? (Mort, Burbank, CA)

Mort, first of all, yes, having a hyphenated last name is like adding an extra half-name to the equation. Second, we're not sure what other way one could possibly improve one's vertical leap than vertically (unless...horizontally?). At the time of publication, there exists no statistical corroboration for your link between number of names and vertical leaping ability, however we here at the Open Look Hoops labs are looking into it. For the moment, the only scientifically-proven method of improving your jumping is by purchasing our very own Open Look Hoops presents Pat Garrity's Jumptastic JumpSoles, yours for only three payments of $29.99.

Hypothetically-speaking, would you ever name your child something that lends itself to going by all three names just to improve his/her basketball game? (Jake, New York, NY)

We're way ahead of you here, Jake, but I'm glad you brought this up. I had been looking for a way to broach this topic, and you've given me the perfect segue. I would like to take this opportunity to announce the birth of my first child, Juan Abdul Tuarasi-Bowers, a beautiful 11 lbs. 8 oz. baby boy. He and his mother will be coming home from the hospital any minite now. Here's hoping he can fulfill his father's own shattered dreams of playing Division III college basketball. No pressure, though.


Well, that about wraps up our five-part investigation into whether more name truly does equal more game. Thank you for your patience and enthusiasm. Now I have to go out back and finish pouring the cement for the new basketball court. He doesn't know it yet, but Juan Abdul and I will be spending the afternoon working on his face-up game. From what I could tell standing outside the hospital nursery, his reverse pivot is a mess. No pressure, though.

Does More Name Equal More Game? Yes! My God, Yes!

Editor's Note: This is the author's response to the title question posed in the previous three installments. Any views expressed in this essay are those of the author alone and, unless readers find them to be particularly insightful, do not necessarily represent the views of Open Look Hoops. Oh, who are we kidding...

So, the question we've been pondering for the last week is whether or not going by more than just the standard first and last name gives a player any advantages over his lesser-named contemporaries. Well, does more name equal more game, as the title inquires? The short answer is simply "well, of course." The long answer, however, is more nuanced and complex.

In the previously posted videos, we were shown brief but representative highlight videos of three of Open Look Hoops' favorite budding young talent. With games as diverse as their genealogical trees, this particular breed of player brings with him a certain "jenesequa" untapped in the more conventionally-named player. What we have found is that the Juan Carlos Navarros, Jose Juan Bareas, and Pops Mensah-Bonsus of the world appear to be able to harness a more defined sense of self-identity which in turn facilitates the type of faith and confidence requisite of greatness. You see, the inclusion of a third name affords the player a 50% increase in the number of heritage-related guiding forces with which to shape their sense of self-efficacy. Disagree? Well, let's if the following little case study changes your tune.

I think it's safe to assume that we are all intimately familiar with former Nuggets guard Mahmoud "Don't Call Me Chris Jackson" Abdul-Rauf. Though undoubtedly remembered most for his valiant struggles in overcoming both Tourette Syndrome and the symbolic oppression of the "Star Spangled Banner," there was in fact a far more intriguing storyline hiding beneath the surface. That storyline is the quiet metamorphosis that took place right under our noses.

After garnering one of the most decorated and impressive collegiate careers in NCAA history, then-Jackson entered the NBA as the third overall selection in the NBA Draft. After a decent rookie season, Jackson appeared to hit a wall in his development during his sophomore campaign. His stats dipped and his confidence was at its lowest in years. Then, following his name change to Mahmoud Abdul Rauf in 1991, he resurrected his game and became the NBA's Most Improved Player in 1993. While some might attribute the resurgence in play to a spiritual awakening accompanying his conversion to Islam, I find it much more convenient to not acknowledge that aspect and focus on the name change alone (and also ignore the subsequent tumultuous and disappointing path his career then took). For visual proof see the following pre- and post-name change videos below. The differences should reveal themselves dramatically to those with a finely-tuned basketball eye. (For those without such an eye, don't worry, I never expected you to read this far anyway.) I refer to this phenomenon as the "Rauf-ification Effect".

As Chris Jackson:




As Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf:



Now, I don't want you to be too hard on yourself here. I didn't see it at first either, but oh boy, you will, and we'll all share a hardy laugh about this someday.

With irrefutable evidence now in the hands of the people, there are a few follow-up questions that inexorably crop up in the analytic hoopster's mind. Those will be addressed in a forthcoming post. Until then, seek comfort in the truth that we together have unfurled, and know that whatever happens in our individual lives, collectively we have discovered something that no one can ever take from us. We have captured lightning in a bottle. What we do with it is now in your hands. God speed.

Pics 'n Rolls: Orlando-Area White Couple Way Too Enthusiastic About Adonal Foyle Signing

Pics 'n Rolls: Coach K's Blood Pressure Elevates Slightly Above A Resting State As Team USA Struggles To 64-Point Victory Over Virgin Islands

Does More Name Equal More Game? An Open Look Hoops Videographic Exploration In Three Parts

Part Three: Pops Mensah-Bonsu

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of three videos that will be showcasing the games of the most exciting young thrice-named players. In order for a player to qualify, he must regularly go by at least three of his given birth names. An essay answering the question posed in the title will follow shortly after the posting of this final video.

Does More Name Equal More Game? An Open Look Hoops Videographic Exploration In Three Parts

Part Two: Jose Juan Barea

Editor's Note: This is the second in a series of three videos that will be showcasing the games of the most exciting young thrice-named players. In order for a player to qualify, he must regularly go by at least three of his given birth names. An essay answering the question posed in the title will follow shortly after the third player is profiled.


Click to view.

Does More Name Equal More Game? An Open Look Hoops Videographic Exploration In Three Parts

Part One: Juan Carlos Navarro

Editor's Note: This is the first in a series of three videos that will be showcasing the games of the most exciting young thrice-named players. In order for a player to qualify, he must regularly go by at least three of his given birth names. An essay answering the question posed in the title will follow shortly after the third player is profiled.

DeShawn Stevenson's Annual Magic: The Gathering Tournament Escalates Into Gun Battle

Wizards guard DeShawn Stevenson's annual Magic: The Gathering Tournament devolved into tragedy Monday morning as an unidentified participant was shot in the leg.

The tournament, which had become one of the most anticipated charity events on the NBA calendar, has always been known to provide a competitively charged atmosphere enjoyed by many of the participants. It appears that this competitive spirit of the event once again boiled over however, leading neighbors to call police to the Stevenson mansion after hearing gun shots.

"After so many people died last year, we weren't sure if it would be wise to bring back the tournament this year," explained Stevenson outside of his Orlando-area mansion. "It looks like we may need to take an extra year to cool off this time."

It was initially rumored that the victim of the gunshot might in fact be a current NBA player, but as no NBA player would publicly admit to being so invested in a game of Magic: The Gathering as to engage in a gun battle, that report has since been refuted.

No word yet as to what effect, if any, this has on Larry Hughes' Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament scheduled for next month.

Mark Madsen Out 3 Months After Injuring Shoulder Diving From Runaway Jet Ski

Sometimes truth is funnier than fiction...I wish I had made this up before it actually happened.

NBA's New Advertising Campaign: "Baby, I'm Sorry"

In an effort to win back fans disillusioned by the recent game fixing scandal involving referee Tim Donaghy, the NBA unveiled a new direction for its new marketing theme for the upcoming season.

Though the details of the campaign are still under development, commissioner David Stern confirmed that the NBA's new slogan for the 207-2008 season will in fact be "Baby, I'm Sorry." The advertisements, scheduled to begin airing in early September, will feature a music video-style format with artists like Keith Sweat, Johnny Gill, and Bobby Brown whispering sultry, sensuous apologies over an early 90s R&B soundtrack.

A sneak peek at one of the advertisements currently being developed revealed a black and white video of a sharply dressed Keith Sweat staring sexually into the camera while breathily muttering "Baby, I'm sorry. I never meant to let that man come between us. He's gone now, baby. It's just you and me. Please, baby. Come back to me..."

The campaign, developed by San Francisco-based Goodby, Silverstein & Partners, marks a bold but necessary departure from the league's previous branding efforts like "I Love This Game," which focused more on the aesthetic and social appeal of the league.

Open Look Hoops Officially On Maddenoliday

Open Look Hoops is taking a sick day this week to embark upon a yearly spiritual journey. Any attempts to contact the staff will be met with utter disdain and will not be soon forgotten. Happy gaming, everyone!

Juwan Howard Demands Trade...Seriously

Minnesota power forward Juwan Howard, acquired this past June from the Rockets in exchange for guard Mike James, has made it known that he has no intention of ever suiting up for the Wolves.

In an interview with a Minneapolis newspaper Sunday, Howard shared his displeasure over the Kevin Garnett trade and expressed his desire to be traded to a team with more immediate playoff aspirations.

"I have been around this league a long time, and I don't have many years left," intimated Howard. "I think I have whined enough throughout my career to have earned the opportunity to bring my selfish attitude and unorthodox shot to a contender who will likely neither want or need me."

When notified of Howard's request for a trade, Wolves GM Kevin McHale offered a typically diplomatic response for a GM seeking bargaining leverage.

"When did we trade for Juwan Howard?" asked an expressionless McHale. "I mean, he definitely seems like the type of player I would want to build around, but I honestly have no recollection of when that trade might have happened."

Howard's agent expressed a similarly cryptic attitude about his client's request.

"You're kidding me, right? Last time I checked, Juwan had been out of the league for the past two seasons. But what do I know? I'm just his agent. Check your facts next time, buddy..."

In spite of the primary parties required to complete a trade having no apparent knowledge of his presence on the Wolves roster, Howard could not keep himself from speculating as to potential destinations.

"Well, like I said, I'm only willing to go to a contender at this point," explained the 13-year veteran. "San Antonio would work. I think my inability to defend would really fit their system. Phoenix as well - I could really slow them down. Cleveland is another one because Lebron needs veteran leaders to show him how not to act. Any of those three would be good fits, I think. Now it's all in the hands of the man upstairs..."

Walker, Curry Robberies Linked; Thabo Sefolosha Invests In Extra Lock

Investigators in the recent break-ins involving the Chicago-area residences of Heat forward Antoine Walker and Knicks center Eddy Curry have determined that both incidents were perpetrated by the same four men.

Chicago police have taken the alleged criminals into custody where they currently face charges of home invasion, armed robbery, and aggravated kidnapping.

"We are still determining the extent to which these incidents are connected," announced Chicago police commander Thomas Byrne. "We have yet to find any evidence to suggest that this group of criminals targeted athletes' homes in particular, and we certainly don't believe that the poor work ethic shared by both these players had anything to do with these incidents, if you were wondering."

Despite the apprehension of those supposedly behind the crimes, athletes around the Chicago area are taking extra caution in protecting their own homes.

"I went to Home Depot today and picked up an extra padlock for my apartment door," explained a visibly shaken Thabo Sefolosha. "I am new to America, and am very frightened."

Sefolosha has reportedly spent the past week at head coach Scott Skiles' home, nestled safely at the foot of the bed he and his wife share.

"Thabo was a little shaken up by the whole thing," said Skiles. "I guess in Switzerland incidents like this don't happen too often."

There has currently been no date established for Sefolosha's withdrawal from the Skiles residence, but both player and coach appear confident of a return to normalcy before the start of training camp.

Heat Sign Penny Hardaway As Eastern Conference Apparently In Denial Over What Decade It Is

Evidently unhappy with the current imbalance of power in the NBA, the Eastern Conference is attempting to return to the 90s, the era when it was last relevant in the eyes of fans and the media. At least, that is the only possible explanation that can be deduced to explain the recent trend of Eastern Conference teams showing interest in players who haven't been effective in many years.

After the rumored courtship between the Celtics and Reggie Miller, two more former stars found themselves in the news today. Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway has signed an undisclosed contract with the Miami Heat, while former Knick teammate Allan Houston is reportedly considering a comeback of his own with the Cavs, Celtics, or a handful of other teams.

"This is a great day for the Miami Heat," announced president and head coach Pat Riley Thursday. "We have finally realized our dream as an organization of reuniting Shaq and Penny, the most electrifying tandem in the league. Granted we would have really preferred to accomplish this about 10 years ago, but nevertheless, we are still ecstatic."

At the current rate, there is no way to predict which former All-Stars may be in the news tomorrow, but if the trend of the last two days continues, Open Look Hoops' statistical models project that when the season tips off this fall, a whopping 98.2% (margin of error +/- 98.1%) of NBA rosters will be comprised of players making comebacks.

Although there are still months before the start of camp and many of the rumored comebacks are merely speculation at this point, Open Look Hoops is cautiously advising its readers to go ahead and get their Detlef Schrempf jerseys out of storage in order to allow ample time for them to air out before the regular season begins.

Reggie Miller Considers Adding Embarassing Asterisk To Hall Of Fame Career

Looking to add an awkward and anticlimactic end to what many consider a Hall of Fame-caliber 18-year career, former Indiana Pacer All-Star Reggie Miller is considering a return to the NBA. According to sources out of Boston, the Celtics are currently in discussion with the retired shooting guard about returning to the court this upcoming season.

Out of the league since 2005, Miller has spent the past few seasons as an analyst for TNT, and had apparently been planning to continue in that capacity until being contacted by Celtics' GM Danny Ainge and head coach Doc Rivers. The duo proposed that Miller join the overhauled Celtics' roster in a reserve role, playing around 15 minutes a game.

"Well, to be honest, I had been really happy with the way my career came to a close," explained Miller, who turns 42 later this month, in a Wednesday interview. "But, you know, the more I thought about it, who wants to go out a hero in the town he spent his entire career in when he has a chance to play an embarrassingly reduced role as an insignificant hired gone for a conference foe?"

Though the Celtics have not yet officially coaxed the sharpshooter out of retirement, rumors are already beginning to swirl that Ainge and Rivers might not be done wheeling and dealing. They have apparently contacted former Detroit Pistons Bad Boys Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn about leaving their WNBA coaching positions to help alleviate the team's frontcourt depth concerns, and are also reportedly in pursuit of former Lakers forward James Worthy to sparingly play a handful of minutes at the end of assured victories.

When asked by a group of reporters whether the team is attempting to construct some sort of novelty act akin to the Harlem Globetrotters, Ainge appeared overcome with a look of epiphany before saying, "Globetrotters! Yes! I wonder if Curly Neal would be willing to sign a 15-day contract?"

Clippers' Season In Further Jeopardy As Sam Cassell Transported Back To Home Planet

The Los Angeles Clippers' playoff hopes for the upcoming season received another serious setback Tuesday when veteran point guard Sam Cassell was unexpectedly transported back to his home planet.

On the heels of the potentially season-ending ruptured Achilles tendon suffered by All-Star power forward Elton Brand, the loss of the team's savvy floor general might be too much to overcome this season.

A stoic Vice President of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor faced the media shortly after the story was leaked to a local Los Angeles affiliate.

"This is a sad day in Clipper history, and as we all know, this is an organization that has seen more than its share of sad days," read Baylor from a prepared statement. "When Elton suffered his injury, we were devastated but resolute in our determination to push forward. Now that Sam has been taken from us, I'm just not so sure-"

At this point Baylor, fighting back tears, took a few moments to collect himself before continuing his statment.

"We always knew that the day would come when Sam's planet would need a loquacious, undersized point guard once again, but that does not detract from the emptiness we are all feeling at this moment."

The loss of Cassell for at least the 2007-2008 season is particularly difficult as his promising, but injury-prone understudy Shaun Livingston might also miss the entire season after reconstructive knee surgery in March. It is not yet clear if guard Cuttino Mobley will be asked to shift from his natural position of shooting guard or if the Clippers will look to free agency to held fill the void created by Cassell's untimely departure.

Open Look Hoops Editor: "We Deeply Apologize To Jason Kapono And His Fans"

As USA Basketball released the roster for its Men's Select Team, chosen to help Team USA prepare for the upcoming FIBA Championship, Open Look Hoops was utterly shocked and horrified to find that Jason Kapono had been named as one of the ten player selected to the squad.

On July 29th, Open Look Hoops featured a story mocking the (what we considered to be) unlikely possibility of Kapono being named to the team. In fact, Open Look Hoops scoured the league in an effort to target a mediocre player who might be humorously deluded enough to believe in his potential chances of making what we thought was an elite team of future NBA stars.

We stand corrected.

Clearly the characteristics we find to be laughable, such as an inability to defend or create one's own shot, are actually the foundation upon which USA Basketball is hoping to rebuild its tarnished reputation. In the future, we will make certain to factor in USA Basketball's myopic leadership whenever planning to satirize the decision-making of the organization.

We sincerely apologize to Mr. Kapono and his many fans for underestimating his talent and value to our country's basketball future. Henceforth, we shall never again take the Kapono name in vain.

EA Sports, FIBA Reach Agreement To Bring Disappointing Misrepresentation Of International Game To NBA Live '08

EA Sports announced a multi-year licensing agreement with basketball's international governing body, FIBA, that will transport the excitement of the FIBA World Championship into the homes of video gamers around the globe this October.

NBA Live '08, the leading basketball video game on the market, will bring its trademark disappointing game play and misrepresentation of the NBA to eight of the top international teams in the world. These include Spain, Greece, USA, France, Germany, Italy, Argentina, and China, with more teams to be added in forthcoming iterations of the series.

"We are extremely proud to announce our partnership with FIBA," said Jordan Edelstein, Director of Product Marketing for EA Sports."This should give the franchise another potentially fun and authentic element with which to excite and ultimately disappoint our loyal fans."

EA Sports is not the only party looking forward to the upcoming let-down of the new international features. Fans have already begun flooding video game stores with pre-orders for the October release of the game.

"I can't wait to see how EA manages to homogenize the run-and-gun style of the Italians and the methodical precision of the Chinese," said an excited fan outside of a New York City EB Games, Sunday. I mean, we can now look forward to NBA Live's cookie cutter player abilities being applied to the international game. If you liked Boris Diaw's robotic lack of playmaking ability with the Suns, I'm sure he will be equally as inept and unlike himself with France. I'm just filled with so much anticipation right now, I don't know how NBA Live '08 could possibly be in any better position to crush my expectations."

NBA.com Rookie Survey Reveals Morris Almond Voted For Himself In Every Category

NBA.com has released the results of its 2007-2008 Rookie Survey, which was conducted during the Rookie Photo Shoot on July 27th. The 44 players in attendance were asked to respond to 10 questions about this particular draft class, ranging from 'which rookie is ready to contribute right away?' to 'which rookie is being most overlooked?'.

For the most part, the findings turned out as the media might have expected, but that does not mean that the results were met without some amount of disagreement among the players.

The biggest scandal appears to stem from Golden State's Marco Belinelli's suggestion that Utah's Morris Almond padded his own votes.

"Morris Almond as best shooter - ridiculous!" blasted an irate Belinelli, clearly up-in-arms over his own third place finish in the category. "I saw his ballot when he was filling it out. He put himself for every answer."

Though NBA.com promised a livid Belinelli that they would launch a full-scale investigation into the matter, they are not actually going to do anything and have confirmed the veracity of the results to several media outlets.

"When it comes to his reputation as a shooter, Marco is very prideful, and rightfully so," explained a source for NBA.com. "However, what we're not sure he understands is that he finished third in the voting and was actually four votes behind Morris. Maybe they tally votes differently in Italy, but I'm not optimistic that Marco will find the resolution he is seeking."

When asked for his opinion on the matter, Morris Almond quizzically replied, "Who's Marco Belinelli? Is he the Formula 1 driver?"

Charles Oakley Contemplates Comeback; GMs Smile And Nod Uncomfortably While Slowly Backing Out Of Room

Charles Oakley, beloved former enforcer for the New York Knicks, believes that he can still contribute to an NBA franchise and has begun discussing a potential comeback to the league.

Out of the NBA since a brief stint with the Rockets in 2004, Oakley insinuated to reporters that he feels confident that he could provide invaluable leadership to a young team. In addition, Oakley intimated that he could easily give a team like the Cavs, who were swept from the NBA Finals, the type of play that they currently lack.

"Look at how bad Cleveland was in the NBA Finals," said Oakley to a group of reporters outside his training facility. "They had big guys who couldn't move and can't shoot. They never knocked Tony Parker on his butt.

"I'm not saying I'm better than guys who play every day. But I can play 20 minutes a night. I understand the game. I can shoot, make free throws and defend. A lot of teams don't have a general on the floor. I'm not trying to steal from anybody. Give me a tryout and if you don't think I can do it, then just cut me."

Though Oakley would not specify whether or not he has had contact with any specific teams, he did mention the Knicks and Cavs, among others, as potential destinations that would benefit from his services.

When reached for comment, Knicks GM Isiah Thomas giggled nervously, saying "Charles? Yeah, Charles could be a real asset...Did you say Cleveland? I think that would be a great fit. The Cavs could use some toughness and leadership. Yeah, definitely Cleveland..."

Cavs GM Danny Ferry had a similarly benevolent reaction to Oakley's interest in a comeback.

"Boy, Charles Oakley is a legend in this game and if he thinks he can still play, who'd argue with him?" said Ferry as he darted his gaze back and forth uncomfortably. "You know, he had so many wonderful seasons in New York that I couldn't imagine him making a comeback with any other team. It just wouldn't feel right, you know?"

No tryout dates have currently been arranged.

Wizards' Scout Finding It Increasingly Difficult To Justify "Taking A Chance" On Andray Blatche To Co-Workers

After receiving word of the arrest of 20-year old forward Andray Blatche for sexual solicitation Thursday, a scout for the Washington Wizards admitted that he is finding it harder and harder to stand by his draft night recommendation to select the high schooler.

"Oh, believe me, I'm going to hear about this in the office tomorrow," explained the scout, who asked to remain anonymous. "But let me just clarify something here, if I may. In 2005, when Andray dropped to the second round, I looked at our big board and simply pointed out the potential value of the pick. That doesn't all of a sudden make me the kid's publicist."

The arrest for sexual solicitation is the latest blemish on what has been a tumultuous two seasons in the NBA for the 6'10'' forward. Shortly before the start of Blatche's rookie season, he was shot during an attempted car jacking, forcing him to miss most of training camp. With the injury slowing his first-year development, Blatche bounced back and forth between the end of the bench in Washington and the Wizards' D-League affiliate in Roanoke, VA. Injuries to veterans opened the door for slightly more substantial playing time in his second season, but his progress was once again tainted by an off-court incident in which he faced criminal charges for failure to appear on a count of driving without a license.

"If this kid had any decency, he would pull his head out of his ass and stop ruining the reputation I've spent the last 25 years building," lamented the anonymous scout. "Oh, lord...that war room still haunts me...why couldn't I have said 'Ryan Gomes'? Two simple words and it might have all turned out differently. A failed marriage and a cocaine addiction later, however, I realize that Andray and I are forever bound by the hands of fate. In some strange way I kind of feel like a captain going down with his ship..."

Kobe Enters Hour 47 Of Longingly Staring At KG Trade Coverage On NBA TV

Kobe Bryant continued his emotional vigil in front of the television in his Southern California mansion Thursday. The All-NBA star has spent the entirety of the past two days sitting on the edge of his bed in a bathrobe watching coverage of Kevin Garnett's trade to the Celtics.

It is no secret that Bryant, like Garnett, has long sought a trade of his own from the undermanned Lakers to a team that has a strong enough supporting cast to make a run at an NBA championship. With no deals currently in the works for the 11-year veteran, and none likely this off-season, Bryant had at least taken solace in the fact that it appeared as if Garnett would not be granted the trade he had hoped for either.

Instead, Garnett is now thrust into a team infused with enthusiasm and the support of two fellow All-Stars, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, while Bryant sits in a darkened room, alone and betrayed. With nothing but the flickering glow of the television illuminating the now-dry tear tracks down the superstar's cheeks, Bryant mutters softly to himself and blinks only when necessary.

Surrounded by empty pizza boxes and urine-filled Sprite bottles, Bryant does not appear to have a finite time table for his latest bout of self-pity. When asked how long he planned on remaining in front of the television, Bryant whispered "I want a trade...I want a trade..." over and over under his breath without averting his gaze from the footage of Garnett throwing out the first pitch at a Red Sox game.

Troy Hudson Releases Rap Album; World Apparently Not Ready

Minnesota point guard Troy Hudson, or T-Hud as he's known in the music community, released his debut rap album on July 17th. The album, entitled Undrafted, sold 78 copies in its first week. While sales certainly eclipsed the initial projections that indicated Hudson's immediate family as the only likely purchasers, it still sent a clear message to mediocre veteran point guards throughout the NBA that the global marketplace may not quite be ready for the kind of talent capable of both rhyming words and scoring 5.9 points a game. This does not appear to bode well for the upcoming release of Spurs point guard Beno Udrih's own debut album, Unchain My Game, Mother F*cker.

Wolves Send KG To Celtics In Exchange For Entire Team, All Draft Picks, Ainge's Soul

The Boston Celtics and Minnesota Timberwolves reached an historic agreement certain to upset the balance of power in the Eastern Conference, a spokesperson for the Celtics confirmed Monday. The proposed deal would send Minnesota's All-NBA forward Kevin Garnett to Boston in exchange for the entire Celtics roster (other than Ray Allen and Paul Pierce), every draft pick in the foreseeable future, and general manager Danny Ainge's eternal soul.

"We couldn't be happier with the deal," gushed an effusive Ainge. "Sure we may only have three players left, but those three players are perennial All-Stars and consummate professionals. And by unloading so many players to Minnesota, we may have just enough room under the cap to sign someone for the veteran's minimum. Basically, we're on cloud nine here in Boston."

The blockbuster deal will likely leave an indelible mark on the NBA record books whether the Celtics win a championship or not. When the three All-Stars take the court together this season, it will mark the first time that a team has ever entered a season with less players on the roster than there are legally allowed on the court at one time. In fact, Garnett was reportedly already thrilled about the prospect of entering the Boston Hoop-It-Up 3-on-3 tournament with his new teammates the next time it rolls through town.

"I have been so close to winning it for so many years," confided Garnett. "I think Paul, Ray, and I can finally make it past the quarters. Hell, we may even enter the Top Gun division. Who knows?"

While the deal certainly signals an attempt by the Celtics to make a concerted run at the Finals with the veterans they have, it also ushers in a youth movement for the Wolves. Minnesota will likely have one of the youngest teams in the NBA next season, not to mention one of the fullest. GM Kevin McHale looks forward to what he feels will be the most competitive Training Camp that Minnesota has ever seen.

"With close to 30 players now on the roster, I fully anticipate the competition heating up come October," said McHale in a statement released to the media Monday evening.

The true determinant of which team ultimately walks away from this deal as the clear-cut winner, however, will likely hinge on the previously mentioned inclusion of Celtics' GM Danny Ainge's soul as the kicker.

When asked about surrendering control of his eternal fate and spiritual being, Ainge took a somewhat guarded stance on the issue.

"The fans here have been waiting a long time for another championship," remarked Ainge of the Boston faithful. "They are the most faith- did you say soul?!? Oh no...how long ago did I fax...oh sweet lord...McHALE!!!!!

Jason Kapono Still Waiting For Team USA Practice Invite

Jason Kapono's patience is beginning to wear a bit thin as he continues to await what he considers an almost certain invitation to participate on the Team USA practice squad.

The team, comprised of the best young up-and-coming talent in the NBA, will practice with and scrimmage against Team USA in an effort to help prepare them for next month's Olympic qualifying tournament in Las Vegas.

"I think it's only a matter of time before they come calling," Kapono boasted when asked of his chances of making the elite squad. "You can never have too many shooters out there to stretch the defense."

Managing director of the national team, Jerry Colangelo, has apparently identified a core group of 8-10 young NBA players that he plans on bringing in to not only help the current Team USA ready itself for international competition, but also as a potential glimpse into what the future of USA basketball might look like. Players already invited to the practice squad include Brandon Roy, Al Jefferson, Monta Ellis, Andre Iguodala, and David Lee.

Despite the seemingly dwindling amount of roster spots, Kapono remains confident that his somewhat specified skill-set will only help his chances of receiving an invitation.

"Look, let's be honest here. They don't need another guy who can slash, defend, and rebound. That's a dime a dozen in the league. If they're smart, they'll see that what I bring to the table is exactly what they are going to face from the international teams. I don't create my own shot; I don't play defense; I spot up and let if fly. I am 90% of what they will be seeing in Olympic play. We need to play smarter, not better...that is unless we want another bronze. Jason Kapono is their ticket to gold."

Celtics Waive Allan Ray; Cite Name Similarity As Reason

The Boston Celtics parted ways with promising young guard Allan Ray after admitting that the prospect of having two guards named Ray Allen and Allan Ray on the same roster was "just too confusing."

The second-year man out of Villanova scored over 20 points three times in somewhat limited action as a rookie, and had built upon that performance with a strong showing in this month's NBA Summer League.

In the end, however, his play on the court was just not enough to overcome having such an eerily similar name to recently acquired All-Star Ray Allen.

"We tried to make it work," explained Celtics GM Danny Ainge. "But the reality of the situation is that it just wasn't practical from a logistical standpoint. We wish Ray - I mean, Allan - the best of luck. Whichever team picks him up will really have a solid young player who can contribute right away."

It is rumored that Pug Rights Activists are already planning to stage a boycott outside Celtics training camp to protest the inhumane treatment of Ray.

NBA League Offices Close Down For Harry Potter Release

The NBA began a week-long sabbatical Wednesday in order to afford its employees an opportunity to immerse themselves in the seventh and final installment of the Harry Potter book series.

The sabbatical was originally scheduled to coincide with the July 21st release of the book, but the scandal involving referee Tim Donaghy pushed the break back until after commissioner David Stern's Tuesday press conference.

"The whole league has really caught Potter Fever," explained a seemingly rejuvenated Stern. "I think the timing of the Donaghy news breaking was really unfortunate. I know I said that it was the worst situation I have ever been involved in, but the postponement of our Harry Potter week actually cuts far deeper than any gambling scandal ever could."

Point Shaving Latest Reason Grandfather Hates NBA

In light of the recent point shaving scandal involving veteran NBA referee Tim Donaghy, millions of grandfathers around the country were given a much-desired opportunity to rant about their feelings towards the professional basketball league.

At weekend family get-togethers throughout the nation, NBA fans were subjected to what was assuredly a long-winded and bigotry-infused diatribe about the current state of the league relative to its previous eras.

"I mean, I'm sort of used to the racist comments and little asides on the purity of the game, but this new business about fixing games has really lit a fire under the old man," said Atlanta resident Steve Sampson, whose grandfather has not watched an NBA game since 1987. "I'm just glad it wasn't a black guy or a female official. I don't think I would have ever heard the end of that."

With further investigation pending, along with the extensive media coverage of the controversy, NBA fans see little possibility of a respite from the criticism for at least a few more months.

"I think Thanksgiving is shot," replied NBA fan and Dallas resident Mark Johnson, upon being asked when he thought normal conversation with his grandfather might resume. "I'm hoping that by Christmas the Democratic presidential primary race will have heated up to the point that the majority of his hostility will be consumed with all that."

Investigation Reveals Bavetta Took Dive In All-Star Race With Barkley

Already reeling from this weekend's scandalous headlines implicating referee Tim Donaghy in a point-shaving racket involving the mafia, the NBA received another blow Saturday when an independent investigation revealed that longtime official Dick Bavetta took a dive in his All-Star weekend race against TNT personality Charles Barkley.

In the report released to the media, Bavetta apparently took out a large bet against himself in order to pay off debts to the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP). The veteran official had long been rumored to be a covert operative for the organization placed in the league in order to referee in a manner that would help restore the game "to the way it used to be." His orders were clear: "stop all the dadgum travelin', no showboatin', and no slam dunkin' the basketball." Despite the obvious difficulty built into the job, representatives of the organization felt that progress was being made. That is until Saturday.

NBA commissioner David Stern quickly began damage control, releasing the following statement.

"We would like to assure our fans that no amount of effort, time or personnel is being spared to assist in this investigation, to bring to justice an individual who has betrayed the most sacred trust in professional sports, and to take the necessary steps to protect against this ever happening again," Stern said. "We will have more to say at a press conference that will be scheduled for next week."

The incident is yet another black eye for the league in a season that has seen numerous on- and off-court controversies, and more turmoil may be on the way as Bavetta has hinted that he will likely reveal the names of other officials and players involved in the race-fixing scandal.

Blockbuster Trade Falls Through As GMs Pull Heads From Asses

A potential blockbuster trade was "very close" to completion last week before talks deteriorated between the teams involved in the proposed three-way deal. Sources have confirmed that the rumored swap would have sent versatile Lakers forward Lamar Odom to the Nets, high flying Richard Jefferson from the Nets to the Bobcats, and up-and-coming forward Gerald Wallace from the Bobcats to the Lakers.

The deal apparently hit a snag when Bobcats minority owner Michael Jordan pulled his head out of his ass and realized that the agreement "would not really change much for any of the teams involved and require quite a bit of paperwork."

When asked to respond to the comments made by Jordan, Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak attempted to rationalize the trade, saying something about Gerald Wallace and Kobe having the same agent before finally assenting.

"You know, he does have a point," conceded Kupchak. "I mean fans don't realize just how much paperwork is involved in these deals."

Nets GM Rod Thorn could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the team confessed that the organization "actually really prefers Richard [Jefferson] to the other two players involved," but that the Nets were "just being polite since the trade probably wouldn't have gotten [them] out of the second round in the East either way."

Despite all this, there are rumblings out of Charlotte that Jordan may be willing to reconsider the deal if the Nets throw in a conditional second round draft pick, saying, "Ooh...You can never have too many of those."

Brian Scalabrine Named Cover Athlete For Sony's NBA '08 Video Game

After the recent announcement that ESPN's NBA 2K8 will feature Hornets point guard Chris Paul as the cover star for its multi-platform fall release, Sony wasted little time in naming Celtics forward Brian Scalabrine as the cover athlete for its own NBA-licensed video game title.

"With EA Sports locking up Gilbert Arenas early on and 2K Sports closing the deal with Chris Paul this afternoon, we went with the player we identified from the beginning as who we wanted as the face of this franchise," gushed the elated lead programming developer for NBA '08 in a statement released Thursday evening. "We believe that no one better embodies the ideals and image of our line better than Brian Scalabrine, and we did not feel it necessary to waste anymore time before making it official."

The video gaming message boards are already abuzz with excitement over what many feel is the first time ever seeing a near perfect match between cover athlete and game. EA Sports' NBA Live '08 is always the top seller and is known for a slightly more run and gun, arcade-style game play, which is certainly represented by the enigmatic Arenas. NBA 2K8 is typically thought of as the more realistic, simulation-based experience, quite similar to the steady style of play brought by Paul. The NBA '08 series, on the other hand, is known for the sub-par visuals and sluggish, inept game play that characterize Scalabrine on a nightly basis.

Though too early to tell which game may have the edge this season, critics seem to be in agreement that the Scalabrine signing has once again solidified NBA '08's niche in what is the most competitive market in sports video gaming. While it may not have the fun factor of an NBA Live or the realism of a 2K sports game, your grandmother will assuredly still give it to you for Christmas even after explicit directions on how to identify and purchase one of the other two games.

Bo Outlaw Momentarily Ecstatic Upon Reading Travis Outlaw Signs With Portland

Free agent power forward Bo Outlaw felt his heart momentarily leap from his chest Wednesday as he read about the Trail Blazers re-signing small forward Travis Outlaw to a three-year deal. The spontaneous joy lasted only a few seconds, however as he quickly realized his error.

"I'm sad to say that it wasn't the first time I've made this mistake," a despondent Bo Outlaw remarked by telephone from his Orlando home. "In the 2003 draft, I thought for a split second that I had somehow been re-drafted. I know what you're thinking, but that instant is inescapable. I mean, it's just not a common last name."

When asked about his own prospects for the coming season, Outlaw muttered something about retirement before trailing off into unintelligible ramblings of the 1999 "Heart and Hustle" season during his first stint with the Magic.

Weather Channel Forced To Report On NBA Free Agency

In what would otherwise seem a bizarre programming selection, The Weather Channel has begun tracking the comings and goings of the NBA free agency period in an effort to alert viewers to the potentially deadly fluctuations in precipitation brought about by wealthy, celebratory athletes "makin' it rain."

Though at first thought to be yet another innocuous hip-hop trend, the recent wave of flood-related fatalities in Orlando, Chicago, Memphis, and Detroit have shed light upon the darker side of the big free agent payday so many athletes strive to achieve.

"If you are in a low-lying area anywhere near a high-end strip club, you must, I repeat, must have your free agency preparedness kit ready," warned The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore. "And if you happen to be caught outdoors and hear a sound like a freight train or an incomprehensibly simplistic rap song approaching, take immediate cover."

Meteorologists warn that those viewers residing in NBA cities currently under the salary cap should prepare themselves for the worst. Whenever possible, viewers are being asked to pack up and head to cities that either do not have an NBA franchise or whose franchise is currently near or above the luxury tax threshold. Residents of cities with mid-level exceptions are under a "make it rain" watch and are advised to take extreme caution, while cities with players signing max contracts are under mandatory evacuation until the start of training camp.

NBA 'At End of Rope'; Sends Jackson, Artest To Rooms

After the most recent in a long string of off-the-court misconduct issues, an exasperated David Stern took a bold step in attempting to curtail the recurring transgressions of the Warrriors' Stephen Jackson and the Kings' Ron Artest.

On the heels of the latest seven game suspensions handed down to the repeat offenders (for separate incidents), the commissioner changed approaches with how he is going to deal with the seemingly oblivious Jackson and Artest.

"I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and something he said really hit home," said Stern in a Sunday evening press conference. "I need to put my foot down and re-establish control of the situation."

In an effort to do just that, Stern went on to announce that both Jackson and Artest were being sent to their respective rooms to "think about what they've done." In addition to the initial punishment, neither player will be allowed to participate in any organized team activities for the next four weekends, nor will they be allowed dessert upon completion of dinner.

When informed of commissioner Stern's latest stipulations, an indignant Artest covered his ears and stomped away before answering any questions, while Stephen Jackson clutched his hand gun and knife to his chest, screaming "Mine! Mine! You can't have 'em"

It is believed that representatives for the NBAPA have already begun the process of appealing the punishments. While not likely to challenge the room banishment, the NBAPA feels that the withholding of dessert is too severe a consequence when comparing recent punishments for commensurate off-the-court misconduct.

We have also received unsubstantiated speculation that in addition to the terms of punishment outlined in the press conference, Stern may require Jackson and Artest to help clean out his gutters if he feels that the players have not adequately learned their lesson.

Yi Demands Trade To Honolulu, Will Wait For Franchise

In a bold tactical maneuver by the representatives of the sixth pick in last month's draft, the agent for Yi Jianlian informed the Bucks Friday that the Chinese forward will in fact follow through on the long-rumored demand to be traded to a city with a larger Chinese population.

After weeks of little contact between Yi and the Bucks and rampant speculation that Yi would request to have his draft rights traded to an organization located in a metropolitan area with a higher Chinese population, few could have predicted the Yi camp ultimately settling on Honolulu, HI as his desired destination.

When asked whether or not a trade request to a city without a franchise would be a setback for Yi's chances of playing in the NBA this season, agent Dan Fegan remained optimistic.

"From the very beginning of this process, we identified Honolulu as one of a short list of potential destinations for Yi. Once we determined that Golden State, Sacramento, and New York would not be able to accommodate a trade, we turned to the market with the next-biggest Chinese population. With Yi as the centerpiece, we're confidant that the details will quickly fall into place."

Spurs, Rockets Complete Blockbuster Deal

In a move that will certainly upset the balance of power in the West and likely have a ripple effect throughout the entire league, the San Antonio Spurs sent center Jackie Butler and forward Luis Scola to Houston in exchange for guard Vassilis Spanoulis, a future second round pick, and cash.

The agreement, completed late Thursday, should provide the Rockets with the critical missing components to complement what will be a very strong returning core led by All-Stars Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming. One Western Conference executive who asked to remain anonymous went so far as to suggest that had Butler and Scola been with the Rockets last season, the fate of former head coach Jeff Van Gundy may have turned out differently.

"Let's face it, the Rockets were just a tweak or two away from being a real contender in the West last season. If you asked all the GMs around the NBA what they felt the Rockets were missing last year, 90 percent would give you the same answer: a mediocre backup ccnter to stash on IR and the rights to a solid frontcourt player currently playing overseas. Had Van Gundy had access to those resources, he likely would have been able to save his job."

The Butler/Scola trade looks to be yet another blunder in a long string of hapless personnel moves by the Spurs. Clearly the Rockets have taken advantage of the somehow-reigning champions and set themselves up to be the crown jewel of the Southwest Division for years to come.

Medvedenko Realizing Free Agency Not As Great As Shaq Described

Unrestricted free agent forward Slava Medvedenko is quickly coming to the realization that the wining and dining free agency courting process described by his former Lakers teammates is not quite as lavish as he had been led to believe.

"Shaq tells of fancy dinners, beautiful women...I see none of this," lamented Medvedenko.

The seventh-year forward out of the Ukraine had spent the majority of his NBA career with the Los Angeles Lakers before being picked up last season by the Atlanta Hawks.

When reached for comment, Medvedenko had just exited a Los Angeles-area Arby's after a business meeting with his agent. Though Medvedenko would not specify what teams have contacted him, he did not rule out a return to the Lakers. While he noted that he ideally prefers the milder climate and laid-back lifestyle of the West to the hustle and bustle of the East, his strongest preference at the moment is for someone, anyone to call and mercifully end the sleepless nights of gentle sobbing in his underwear next to the soul-crushing silence of his telephone. Anyone but the Hawks, I mean. He said there's no way in hell he's going back there.

Magic Thoughtfully Allow Other Teams To Improve At Their Expense

In a move designed to postpone the requisite feeling of shame and inadequacy that accompany an Orlando Magic first round draft selection, the franchise completed a ground-breaking deal with the Memphis Grizzlies on Wednesday. Though the terms of the agreement were not officially disclosed, it is believed that the deal will send perennial underachiever Darko Milicic and the Magic's 2008 and 2009 first round draft picks to Memphis in exchange for the peace of mind of not having to make a hilariously misguided and uninformed selection for at least two more seasons.

Though officially the first of its kind, this type of deal is not entirely unfamiliar to the Magic organization. Just two seasons ago the Magic made a similar trade with the Pistons that also happened to involve the 6'11'' power forward. This agreement allowed the Magic to give the Pistons' its first round selection in this year's draft in exchange for the right to renounce Milicic's rights and allow him to sign with an organization that actually attempts to develop its young talent.

Steve Francis Era Comes To A Close In Portland

The Steve Francis era came to an emotional end Wednesday as the Blazers bought out the remaining $30-million left on the former all-star's contract. In what can only be described as one of the most difficult and heart-wrenching decisions I've ever had to watch a front office make, Portland has cut ties with "Stevie Franchise" after arguably the most successful 13 day span since Bill Walton donned a Blazers jersey.

For the sake of our beloved Stevie, let's do ourselves a service and just let the tears flow. There are times to be strong and there are times like this. If you'll indulge me a bit and allow me to editorialize for a minute here, what were the Blazers thinking!?! This looked like the turning point for a franchise in disrepair. I mean, since acquiring Francis, the town had rallied around the much-maligned organization and had begun to rekindle it's love of the once-dominant Blazers. We had seen billboards, parades, pep rallies...I just don't get it.

Now all they're left with is a bitter taste in their mouth and a $30-million heartache. And to think, I actually thought the Blazers were serious about turning it around this time.

The now questionable state of the Blazers aside, what will become of Steve? With the combination of Steve's insatiable sense of philanthropy and the downtrodden state of the economy, I give him a year - two tops - before he has given all his earnings away to the less fortunate. For this reason I am proposing that we all rally around Steve and form a "Save The Franchise" organization to ensure our little champion's well-being. In fact, as a sign of solidarity, I am donating the Steve Francis Trail Blazers jersey I purchased on Monday to be auctioned off on Ebay, with all the proceeds going to STF. We're all going to have to sacrifice if we want to make a difference. What say you, fellow humans? One of our own needs us. If you're on board, leave me a comment about what you plan to do for Steve. Gotta run, I have Cuttino Mobley on the line and he is donating the jock strap they shared during their time in Orlando and Houston. The wheels are in motion...

Wallace, Bobcats Deadlocked In Most Meaningless Negotiation In NBA History

In a tense back-and-forth negotiation to determine which party is more irrelevant within the league-wide context, SF Gerald Wallace and the Charlotte Bobcats appeared to inch closer to coming to an agreement Tuesday afternoon. The proposed deal would allow the Bobcats to retain Wallace, the top performer from last year's 33-49 team, for an estimated $60-million contract. In spite of the typical negotiation posturing, word out of Bobcats camp is that team officials feel the $60-million price tag may ultimately turn out to be the steal of this year's free agent class if the high-flying swingman can help the team replicate the .313 win percentage they have come to expect during the Gerald Wallace era.

Oden Takes High Road, Bows Out Of Summer League

Greg Oden is a gentleman's gentleman. What more can you say about the guy after learning that he has bowed out of the rest of this season's Summer League games? Obviously the most natural conclusion to draw is that this was an act of deference and submission to Marco Belinelli as the run-away Rookie of the Year, in spite of it only being July.

Now the Blazers would like us to believe that this hiatus has been brought upon as a result of health-related issues, but we've all been around the game long enough to see right through that kind of posturing. Tonsils the size of golf balls? We're not buying it, Blazers. The only golf balls responsible for this move are the ones nestled snuggly beneath Marco Belinelli's compression shorts.

Marcus Banks Drops Record 42 On Cavs, But...

For those of you giddy over last night's record-breaking Summer League scoring effort by the Suns' Marcus Banks, I am here to shed a bit of perspective on the accomplishment, and this in no way has anything to do with any sort of sour grapes on behalf my newfound Italian Stallion, Marco Belinelli, now having only the third highest point total in a Summer League game.

Those of you who know me know that I only occasionally harbor basketball-related grudges, and almost never when they relate to my precious Suns. But if I'm gonna play devil's advocate on this one, and bring a sense of unbiased reason to this debate, then I would have to simply bring up the fact that this is completely unjust and Marcus Banks has no place in the Summer League. I mean, at the risk of sounding like a four-year old, it's just not fair. Actually, that brings up a good point. Marcus Banks is like a four-year old...a four-year old playing with a bunch of one- and two-year olds. The Summer League is no place for a four-year vet that recently signed a five-year, 21-million dollar contract. I think we'll all agree now that the record-breaking performance just doesn't hold up to scrutiny. Let's face it, the last time I played against a bunch of one- and two-year olds, I looked like Hot Sauce out there. They just don't have the muscle coordination yet. Like the mothers of the toddlers I was crossing over said, "It's just not right..."

Belinelli Strikes Again!

Newly-christened poster child of Open Look Hoops followed up his historic debut Saturday with an impressive second act on Monday against the 76ers. Belinelli finished the game with 23 points, connecting on 5 of 8 from downtown. Que Bella, Marco!

D-League's Idaho Stampede Purchased As Affiliate For Fall Intramural Team

I am proud to announce the purchase of the NBA Developmental League's Idaho Stampede to serve as the exclusive affiliate for my intramural squad, Matt's Pajamas. Following the trend started by the Los Angeles Lakers (which bought the LA D-Fenders), and right off the heels of the World Champion San Antonio Spurs' recent purchase of the Austin Toros, I felt the timing was right to jump on this opportunity before any other organizations beat me to the punch.

Now owning my own D-League affiliate will assuredly have its benefits. I mean, what other intramural team will have the good fortune of being able to allow its players to get vital in-game experience in between intramural contests. Like when Jordan Farmar became the first player to play in an NBA and D-League game in one day, I plan on having the first player to play in a D-League and intramural game in the same day. Looks like that Mondays at 10:30 pm time slot was a real blessing in disguise.

In addition to the individual benefits that come from the increased opportunites to get on the floor, owning the Stampede will be the perfect chance to put in some extra work on my offensive system. That's right, just like the Lakers have the D-Fenders run the Triangle, I am going to have the Stampede run our intramural offense, which primarily consists of isolation plays designed to complement my mastery of the Jimmy Dolan Shake 'n Bake.

The only regret that I have about this entire process is that the Austin Toros (those blood-suckers) swept newly-hired head coach Quin Snyder right out from underneath me. I had been courting him pretty exclusively ever since Missouri sentenced themselves to a future of mediocrity by letting Snyder walk a few years back. In hindsight, devoting the majority of my spare time to wooing a hypothetical head coaching candidate may not have been the best use of my time, but as you may or may not know, I require anyone on my coaching staff to have passed the bar exam, so that really kind of tied my hands on the issue. I probably should have had a some sort of backup plan, but my ownership style is all about taking big risks and getting big rewards. I wonder if Pat Summitt has a law degree...and if she's free Mondays at 10:30...

If You're Not Watching Summer League Ball, May God Have Mercy On Your Soul

I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not going to pretend that the Summer League means much, if anything. But I just finished watching the China-Cavs game on NBATV, and it really was the cherry on top of what was a great first weekend of Summer League games. Obviously the big story was Yi's nice second half culminating in his game-winner at the buzzer. It is going to be very interesting to monitor his development. Unfortunately that likely means that I will have to subject myself to Bucks games in order to do so.

Yi isn't the reason I felt compelled to post though. In fact, whenever possible I will try not to subject you to regurgitated and obvious opinions. While Yi and future Laker (and 6'9'' PG might I add) Yue Sun were the hot topics of discussion amongst the commentators, a less-heralded sharpshooter named Shipeng Wang happened to catch my eye. Now I didn't notice him having quite the same impact in the previous games, but that guy can play a little. If someone doesn't have his rights, he might be worth taking a flyer on in the second round one of these years. He's 24, experienced and can hit the open J. There are always teams that can use someone like that - like the team he helped defeat tonight. I'm going to keep an eye on him, partly because I think he can play and partly because I don't currently have a life. For those of you with lives, I'll let you know what I find out. Before I change gears slightly though, I have one more thought regarding Shipeng...What if William Hung hasn't actually been butchering Ricky Martin's "She Bangs" but in fact been trying desperately to enlighten NBA scouts to the best kept secret in China: Shi-Peng! Shi-Peng! For William Hung's sake, I hope I'm right.



I would be remiss if I did not give my obligatory props to a former Gator who I can't help but get giddy over when I see him on the offensive side of the floor (notice I said offensive). Matty Walsh somehow still can get it done offensively, in spite of his hair really losing some volume since he went over to Greece. I know I will get ripped by those of you who value defense and athleticism in a player, but I'm sorry, he makes things happen when the ball's in his hands. Somehow Walsh ended up running point for the Cavs for basically the entire second half. I don't know if that was an ingenius move by the coaching staff or if they blacked out and Walsh subbed himself in. Either way, he dropped a few sick dimes and hit a ridiculous trey from like 30 feet to put the Cavs up before Yi stole the spotlight. Obviously Walsh will not make the Cavs, but last time I checked they needed perimeter shooting and when you look at their Summer League roster, he's about all they have. They couldn't...They wouldn't...I mean they were subbing offense-defense to get him off the floor when China had the ball. That means that you're either too important to keep off the court or too hilariously awkward on defense to play both ways. We all know the answer to that, but for one night, Matty Walsh can dream.

Side note: For the sake of Taurean Green's chances of making a roster, I really hope this Summer League doesn't close with us all agreeing that Walsh was the most effective former Gator playing PG this week.

Anyway, Blazers-Mavs just started. I've gotta go get my Pops Mensah-Bonsu fix.